[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hey, have you heard about the new podcast Dorks tried? Nice.
[00:00:03] Speaker B: No, I haven't.
[00:00:05] Speaker A: Then go fuck yourself. You clearly haven't subscribed to Pork fried dice on Ko Fi.
[00:00:10] Speaker B: Sorry, I'll head over to tinyurl.com supportpfd right now.
[00:00:16] Speaker A: That's better. Hooray.
You're listening to the show about a patchouli pocket. It's Pork Fried Dice.
I'm Eric and I'm the Dungeon Master.
[00:00:29] Speaker C: I'm Abby and I play Rafina.
[00:00:32] Speaker D: I'm Alex and I play Batwack.
[00:00:36] Speaker B: I'm KT and I play Will.
[00:00:39] Speaker E: I'm Adam and I play Roscoe.
[00:00:44] Speaker A: Hold on to your haversacks. Let's roll.
But you can. You will certainly be a participant, a full participant.
[00:00:56] Speaker C: How do we find jury members?
[00:00:59] Speaker A: Well, there is.
[00:01:00] Speaker F: Yeah, what's the.
[00:01:01] Speaker E: The. It's a. It's a.
[00:01:04] Speaker F: There's a whole process. It's called Voir Deer Voir vadir.
[00:01:11] Speaker A: No, there's no jury. I'm sorry.
No. I will be deciding the fate of.
[00:01:16] Speaker F: The John Deere Voya dia.
[00:01:21] Speaker A: Are you looking at your palm, sir?
[00:01:23] Speaker E: Yeah, I've got rules for trials on this hand. I got rules for interventions on the other.
[00:01:30] Speaker F: Anyway, all right.
I thought that. I thought that there might be a trial to be had or a mystery to be solved with respect to the death of Chloe, but it seems like it was just another ferret with a gambling problem.
[00:01:50] Speaker A: If only you were like, we can move on a day before to hold one of your tried and true interventions.
[00:01:57] Speaker B: Trident true.
[00:01:59] Speaker F: Trident true.
[00:02:01] Speaker A: Nautical pork true.
[00:02:03] Speaker C: What is happening with our puns right now?
[00:02:05] Speaker B: I don't know.
[00:02:06] Speaker A: What's Kick doing?
[00:02:08] Speaker C: He slipped out the room.
[00:02:09] Speaker A: Oh, I know, Abby, that's not enough information.
[00:02:15] Speaker D: I'm going to Sean Indigo's room. I couldn't catch the freaking fish that doesn't exist.
[00:02:21] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:02:22] Speaker E: Gathering the real evidence.
[00:02:24] Speaker D: So I'm just going to break in.
[00:02:25] Speaker A: Okay.
Describe your breaking into first.
[00:02:31] Speaker D: First, it involves trying to open the door.
[00:02:33] Speaker B: Yeah. Don't put your eye near the lock.
[00:02:36] Speaker A: Don't put it past him.
[00:02:38] Speaker D: Now the trap is already sprung.
[00:02:40] Speaker B: I hope so.
[00:02:42] Speaker A: You. The door is locked.
[00:02:44] Speaker D: The door is definitely locked.
[00:02:46] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:02:47] Speaker D: I have no means of picking it.
So I'll look up and down the hall and then I will.
[00:02:55] Speaker A: And then you look at the camera and you say, can't pick it. It's time to kick it.
[00:03:01] Speaker D: Exactly.
How do you know? Yeah, I was bash it down.
[00:03:07] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:03:08] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:03:09] Speaker A: Give me an authority.
[00:03:10] Speaker D: No, but I do it by getting out the brochure. Right. That's what I. In front of the camera.
[00:03:15] Speaker C: The brochure.
[00:03:17] Speaker D: Yeah, I'm selling something.
All right. No. Okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna kick it.
[00:03:22] Speaker A: Okay. Athletics check, please.
[00:03:25] Speaker D: All right.
[00:03:26] Speaker A: And this. The game of dungeons.
[00:03:27] Speaker C: Hold my beer.
[00:03:29] Speaker D: I haven't used this, I feel like in a while.
[00:03:32] Speaker A: Roll 20 or athletics.
[00:03:38] Speaker D: Please break the door.
[00:03:42] Speaker A: All right.
[00:03:42] Speaker D: Oh, that's terrible.
[00:03:43] Speaker A: So describe your effort. Like, are you kicking it or are you shouldering it? Are you hipping it? Are you punching?
[00:03:51] Speaker D: I was. I was actually going to kick it. Yeah.
[00:03:54] Speaker A: Got it.
So, yeah, this is. This is a stout door. I mean, if you look like. Look how well the walls are made. The door is no exception in terms of vertical wooden constructive material components in this ship.
[00:04:12] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:04:12] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:04:14] Speaker D: Where would the key be? The key would be on his body, not his person.
[00:04:18] Speaker A: Maybe his body. That's how Bathwater thinks about it. Yeah.
[00:04:23] Speaker B: At the end of this trial on his meat sack.
[00:04:27] Speaker C: Doesn't anyone have a magical key or something?
[00:04:30] Speaker D: I.
I was gonna. I was thinking about trying the overpowered rod, but I think people will.
He's surrounded. He's in court.
Is there any other way in?
I'm going to search this wall and the side wall around the corner.
[00:04:50] Speaker A: Okay.
Give me an investigation roll.
[00:04:54] Speaker D: Another thing I'm great at.
[00:04:56] Speaker A: I mean, come on, you are good at athletics. You just are not good at rolling dice. Oh, no, that's a two.
Three minus one is two.
[00:05:06] Speaker D: I don't think rolling dice is a skill. Like, roll 20 shouldn't help me.
[00:05:16] Speaker A: So. Yeah. You don't find any other entrances to the room if you keep going around. Once you get to the sort of other side of the ship, there is another door leading to a room, but you don't know if it's the same room or not.
That one.
[00:05:31] Speaker D: Let's go in there. I mean, if I have time. Unless you're going to cut back. Let's go in here.
[00:05:36] Speaker A: All right. This door is locked.
[00:05:42] Speaker D: What the heck?
All right.
[00:05:47] Speaker A: But has yet to been kicked.
[00:05:53] Speaker D: For the record, there's no way these doors are that. All right, let's just try again.
[00:05:58] Speaker C: Did you kick it?
[00:05:59] Speaker D: No.
[00:05:59] Speaker A: He's about to.
[00:06:00] Speaker D: I did kick the other one. It didn't work.
[00:06:02] Speaker C: The second one?
[00:06:03] Speaker A: No, not yet.
[00:06:04] Speaker D: No. This one I haven't. All right, I'll. I'll try my shoulder this time. Okay, now give up and I'll try kick shoulders.
[00:06:13] Speaker A: There we go. Look at that. That's a 22.
[00:06:17] Speaker D: That's more like it.
[00:06:19] Speaker A: The door jam cracks and you stumble a step or two. Into the room and you find yourself in a. In a well appointed stateroom. On this ship you recognize pretty quickly.
Your new acquaintance. Valencio's belongings are here.
Oh, you also see there's a shelf installed on the wall. Looks like a fine thing. And there's a familiar pile of bones sitting.
[00:06:54] Speaker D: Oh, no way. Valencia got a new room.
I should move the fish, but there's no time. I'm gonna search the walls here. Is there some other. Maybe I can.
I just want to search the walls in his room. Okay, I'll see if there's some other way through. All right, Because I know I must. I mean, I have to be somewhere close to the other side of.
[00:07:22] Speaker A: Yeah, spatially, you think you're right on the other side. You can give me one more investigation.
[00:07:27] Speaker D: All right.
[00:07:31] Speaker A: 14.
So there's no like hidden hidey hole or peaky, peaky window or two way mirror between the two. It is a solid wall, and it is well made.
Ostensibly, if you set yourself to it, you could maybe eventually make your way through, depending on your efforts and what tools you have. But breaking this would be harder than breaking a door. You think?
[00:08:00] Speaker D: Yeah.
This is Valencia's stateroom. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I just started. I mean, the fishing thing, I really wanted to find that fish. I know it's out there, but I'm gonna draw my sword from under my cloak. No, wait. First I'm going to replace the door back in its frame.
[00:08:23] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah, it's kind of sitting there so.
[00:08:25] Speaker D: That I have a little bit of privacy, despite the noise I'm about to get.
[00:08:28] Speaker A: If anybody leans on it, it's just gonna fall in. But it. You can, you can prop it up so it is.
[00:08:32] Speaker D: And I'm willing to take them. Take a minute or two and see if I can put a gouge in this wall.
[00:08:41] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:08:42] Speaker D: And with the sword or. No, with the sword.
And then get through the other side.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: All right, cool.
So we're gonna cut back, but you can make some.
Some athletics checks. Just make a few athletics checks while we're back at the. In the drinking room to see what happens while you're. You're working on that.
So the captain back in the lounge says, yes, well, everybody keep your hands to yourselves just for a moment. And he reaches under one of the seats that are there. There's a little panel that he pushes aside and there's a lever that he steps on within. And all around things start to move and shift the chairs sort of swivel around from beneath the floor at the very back end of the room, this judge's bench, arises from the floor beneath. The seats are now all turned and facing the bench, the tables have shifted so that they're sort of in the front where a prosecutor and a defense attorney would sort of hang their shingles. That's not the right term, but they're briefcases.
[00:10:06] Speaker B: You mean talking about the tables, that's where they put their briefcases?
[00:10:08] Speaker A: Yeah, they put their little.
[00:10:10] Speaker B: Instead of hang your shingles, I just said put your. Are you confused?
[00:10:13] Speaker A: No, I just wanted to use fancy terminology, but it didn't work.
[00:10:18] Speaker C: They.
[00:10:18] Speaker B: My cousin Vinnie, their way up there is what the prosecutor got it. That's fancy, right?
[00:10:23] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:10:25] Speaker B: Yeah, he's a ute, so I hope that somebody adopts that accent, as they are the lawyer, this you.
[00:10:36] Speaker A: And then on the right side of the room, sort of next to the wall, but in front of sort of everything, a small, round, basically, cage rises up and everything chunk, chunk, chunk chunks into place. And he ushers Sean in to go over to the cage, pushes him inside and locks the door.
[00:11:02] Speaker C: Whoa.
[00:11:05] Speaker A: Oh, hi. Now, as I said, this is a misunderstanding.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this. Well, we'll get to the bottom of this quickly. As you can see, my passenger here, Shimmy, is grievous. Grievously.
Is that right, Rafina?
[00:11:29] Speaker C: It's acceptable.
[00:11:30] Speaker A: Okay. He's grievously injured, and we need to determine what happened here, who was at fault and mete out the appropriate punishment.
Now, you said this happened at the room of Sean Indigo. Is that right?
[00:11:50] Speaker C: Who are you asking?
[00:11:51] Speaker A: Well, who was there? Rafina, you were there.
[00:11:54] Speaker C: I believe Rafina is desperately trying to remember how she and Will decided to play this. Didn't they have a conversation about how they were going to?
[00:12:09] Speaker B: Well, actually, it was you and Shimi just make. You know, Shimi said he fell or something like that, and it's basically just an innocent thing where you were walking through the hall and Shimi, like, fell on the door or something like that. I'm pretty sure.
Let me look at my notes because.
[00:12:26] Speaker C: Yeah, I'm looking too.
[00:12:29] Speaker E: Roscoe's gonna whisper to. To Mo and Clock Face.
[00:12:35] Speaker F: I don't know. This is no way to run a trial. Just asking everybody to talk.
Why isn't he calling up a witness? You know what I mean?
[00:12:42] Speaker A: I don't know.
[00:12:43] Speaker F: I don't know if I'm. I can't even have to intervene in this trial.
[00:12:46] Speaker A: I've never been to a trial. Does it not Work like this.
[00:12:49] Speaker F: Not typically mo. Oh. It's weird because he's got this whole trial that sort of springs up out of the floor courtroom. Yeah, but he doesn't know how to run it, I don't think.
[00:13:04] Speaker A: Do you. Are you worried that Shawn Indigo will not be punished or will be punished?
[00:13:10] Speaker F: I'm not worried about. I just think I'm better than Captain Malvolio, that's all.
[00:13:15] Speaker A: Oh, okay. Kind of how you feel about gods.
Is it like a thing with just, like, authority figures in general?
[00:13:24] Speaker F: Well, yeah, because authority figures are always trying to control my life and push me around and. And. And do things to my future that I don't want to be done.
[00:13:36] Speaker A: Oh. How do you feel about Batwack, your leader, before he die, in case anyone listening?
[00:13:46] Speaker F: I think that Bathwack still had a lot of processing to do around his relationship with authority, and it's a shame that he's not going to be able to do that now that he's dead.
[00:14:05] Speaker A: Okay. I mean, that sound more like about him than you, but okay, sure.
Did you find it in your notes?
[00:14:13] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, I mean, so I noted that Rashimi said he fell and there was a dart, and Rafina said she might have touched the door and darts flew out of it.
[00:14:23] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:14:23] Speaker B: Like it was. Sounded like it. There wasn't really a one story, so hopefully there were no recording devices in that room. And now we can just come up with whatever the hell you want to come up with.
[00:14:34] Speaker C: Rafina says we were in the corridor and a dart flew out of the. Out of the keyhole, it appears, and struck him in the eyeball.
Jamie, is that correct?
[00:14:51] Speaker A: Yeah. So we were walking down the hall, and I kind of tripped a little bit. And then I think you maybe touched the door when you were trying to catch me.
And then all of a sudden I was laid down on the ground and there was a thing poking out of my eyeball and I couldn't see out of it.
And you were. You were wailing and shrieking. Not quite zoning, but close.
Right.
That sounds about like what you would send. This was for the record, in the port corridor, I believe. Yes. Just outside these. This room.
[00:15:35] Speaker C: Correct.
[00:15:36] Speaker A: Good. Well, let us go investigate the scene of the incident.
[00:15:42] Speaker E: Whoa.
[00:15:44] Speaker A: If you would all follow me.
[00:15:45] Speaker B: Oh, goodness.
All right, we hear a chopping sound. Chunk, what is that? More darts?
[00:15:55] Speaker C: A gouging sound.
[00:15:59] Speaker A: All right. And so the captain leads everybody out that port side door. Not the way that Bathwack is closer to. Just the closest route towards Sean Indigo's door.
[00:16:13] Speaker B: If. Can I Realize that Bathwack isn't around and maybe wonder where he is. Will starts panicking, like, what the fuck is he doing? Is he trying to catch some fish again? Does he understand that that part of the plan is done? I don't think he does.
[00:16:27] Speaker A: He should make Will roll for, like, hypertension.
[00:16:30] Speaker B: Yeah. He's a stroke. Yes.
[00:16:35] Speaker C: We can roll 100 side. What is it called where you roll for? To make 100 percentile. Yeah, yeah, the percentile. To get a blood pressure reading.
[00:16:46] Speaker A: Yeah, systolic.
[00:16:48] Speaker B: I, like, just. I want to say that because, like, I want to think that maybe if Will perceives that sound at all or sees, you know, notices that Bathwack's gone, he might be able to try to save the situation before somebody gets on the other side of the wall. I mean, on the other side of the boat, who knows? It's. It's okay if I can't. I'm just saying I would notice.
[00:17:07] Speaker A: All right. Yeah, you definitely know that Bathwack isn't there.
[00:17:10] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:17:10] Speaker A: As for what you do about it, I. Only you can say okay.
But, yeah, you get. You get out into the hallway, go up to the door. There's a dusty footprint on the side.
No, this ship is kept well clean.
[00:17:28] Speaker B: Oh, all right.
[00:17:33] Speaker A: And again, for the record, this is the door. Correct.
[00:17:37] Speaker C: Rafina peers at it very carefully without putting her eye.
[00:17:40] Speaker A: Not too close.
[00:17:41] Speaker C: Yeah, without putting her eye to the doorknob.
This appears to be correct. Shimi, does this look correct? I mean, don't look too closely with your one eye.
[00:17:50] Speaker A: As much as I can tell with my lack of depth perception at this point, I may be a bit impaired in this result, But I could never forget this door. This is it.
[00:18:03] Speaker B: I could never forget this door. He's so perfectly dramatic. She's great. Oh, my God.
[00:18:10] Speaker A: And you say that you fell upon the door and a projectile struck you. Now, everybody step back from the door, please. Well, out of any potential line of fire, I will first stand over here and attempt to strike the door. And he reaches out with a meaty fist and just kind of slams the door.
Everybody all right? All right.
Everybody all right?
[00:18:41] Speaker B: Whoa, he's scary. Fist.
[00:18:44] Speaker A: No, Darts. Right? Well, maybe the trap or whatever it was has been disengaged and will not fire again.
Let me. And he reaches a pouch, and he pulls out a ring of keys. Let me just see here. Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. He says that as he flips through the keys.
[00:19:10] Speaker B: Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.
[00:19:12] Speaker A: Yes, this one. This one should do. Again, please, everybody stand back. Stand well back of this door.
[00:19:19] Speaker B: I stand well back, and I'm looking around. I don't hear or see anything.
[00:19:23] Speaker A: Nope.
[00:19:24] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:19:25] Speaker A: All right, he reaches his hand in, and he turns the key. Click, conk.
And then he reaches. He still likes staying out of the way of the door.
And he turns the handle, and the door swings in.
Now, bathwack, slash, kick.
[00:19:47] Speaker B: Oh, I thought you were the captain. I thought you. Now he's just standing in the room.
[00:19:55] Speaker C: With his pants down.
[00:19:56] Speaker D: Why did I do this, Guys?
[00:19:58] Speaker A: Oh, God, this is great.
[00:20:01] Speaker D: So, evidence.
[00:20:02] Speaker A: You've been attempting to hack or gouge or slash or parry your way through this wall.
So I need you to give me a series of three athletics checks with advantage, because you're using your finely crafted holy sword.
1, 27, 2, 21, 26.
[00:20:26] Speaker B: Whoa. Okay.
[00:20:31] Speaker A: With the third swing, Poke, pry, you're able to. To what? This is so absurd.
[00:20:42] Speaker B: He's just gonna burst through the wall like the Kool Aid man, and we're all gonna be standing there like, yeah, now Kick's gonna be on trial.
[00:20:49] Speaker D: O.
I don't even know what.
He's gone full bathwack mode. Like, what am I gonna say?
[00:20:58] Speaker A: All right, so you have managed to make a small hole in the wall, enough so that you can peer through.
And as you put your eye to the hole, it seems to flies out.
She said a dart flies out.
[00:21:25] Speaker B: Everyone's gonna have no eyes at the end of this trip.
[00:21:29] Speaker A: Stay away from that wall.
You. You sort of stick your eye up to it because it's dark beyond.
You hear some muted sounds coming through. It's a pretty small hole, but then you can see just directly across from where you're standing. A line of light appears, and then the line broadens as the door to the room is pushed open.
Whoa.
[00:22:00] Speaker D: I'll dart to the side, and you.
[00:22:07] Speaker C: Just leave the sword sticking out of the wall.
[00:22:09] Speaker D: No, there's no sword stuck in the wall.
I am going to dart to the side and put the sword away and lay down on Will's bed.
[00:22:21] Speaker A: Okay, Got it.
Well, I have gained access to the room in question, says the captain.
This door needs some careful inspection at this point.
Oh, there's quite an assemblage of little beasties in here.
If anybody is afraid of odd fauna, I would steer clear.
[00:22:52] Speaker B: Yeah. Will is like, guys, just doing this.
[00:22:57] Speaker A: Doing what?
[00:22:58] Speaker B: Just shaking his head.
[00:22:59] Speaker A: There you go. It's a podcast.
[00:23:01] Speaker B: It's a podcast.
[00:23:04] Speaker A: Now, let me see here. I am well versed with all of the hardware that my vessel is equipped with, so Let me just see if there's any sign of tampering or extraneous equipment here. And he gets down, looks at like the side of the door, the back of the lock, the front.
Hmm.
Well, yes, it does look to be.
This is very cleverly hidden, but yes, this. This is not standard with what.
This is strange.
I don't know why he would have done this or what's.
All right, um, I am satisfied with this gathering of evidence. Is there anything else that any of you would like to posit that we might need to look for at this stage of the investigation?
[00:24:11] Speaker C: Sean Indigo hasn't somehow like, been rolled out in his little wheelie cage to join this procession, right? He can't.
He can't like, speak to defend himself at this moment, right?
[00:24:24] Speaker A: Correct. He is still back in the. The lounge.
[00:24:28] Speaker C: You suppose we are going to find out what. How Sean explains this, right, Captain?
[00:24:35] Speaker A: Oh, of course. This is. We're just bringing this back so we can bring in the proceedings and discuss and determine what justice needs to be distributed.
[00:24:45] Speaker C: Sounds like a plan.
[00:24:47] Speaker A: Great.
[00:24:47] Speaker E: What. What are we. What are we supposed to be doing for the albatross again?
[00:24:52] Speaker B: We're supposed to find an owl bear, find a wing. A small winged owl bear, which we don't. We don't even know really if it's in this room. We just highly suspect it because he has other animals. We could be doing all this to poor Sean and he has nothing.
[00:25:06] Speaker C: So while detected at some.
[00:25:08] Speaker E: While the investigation of the door is happening, Roscoe would be looking around and trying to see if he can sense the location of a. Of a winged owl bear in this room.
[00:25:19] Speaker A: Sure. You can give me a nature check. Unless there's something specific to your character that would make more sense in this instance.
[00:25:28] Speaker E: Yeah. I think Roscoe in his time in the circus has, you know, interacted with a number of different animals and he kind of knows the signs to look for an owlbear, maybe.
[00:25:48] Speaker F: Okay, so do a nature check.
[00:25:50] Speaker A: Cool.
[00:25:52] Speaker F: Let's see what happens.
[00:25:55] Speaker A: All right. A15.
So if you recall, the two bed situation on the map is inaccurate. The walls in here are lined with cages and containers and vessels of different sizes and shapes and material.
You see a cage with a pseudo dragon in it. You see another with a Sturge. There's a crawling claw.
There's a little vessel with a few very small gelatinous cubes roaming about in it.
There's a glowing, almost looks like a lantern with these balls of light bobbing around within.
And you see there's a.
It's like a glass cube almost with a mesh top and with its front appendages sort of pushed up against the glass.
There's this little bipedal, some sort of creature. You don't recognize it? It looks vaguely.
It almost looks like kind of like a living fungus or like a mushroom.
And it's just looking out at you, Roscoe, and. And you hear in your head as you look directly into its face area, looks like it kind of has some eye looking things. You hear, get me home.
[00:27:29] Speaker B: Oh, it's this little thing. Amazing.
[00:27:33] Speaker A: Oh, no sign of a winged owl there.
[00:27:39] Speaker E: But Roscoe heard that in his head.
[00:27:41] Speaker A: Correct.
[00:27:42] Speaker E: Roscoe will think at this creature.
[00:27:47] Speaker F: Can you hear my thoughts right now?
[00:27:52] Speaker A: Yes. Please help me.
[00:27:55] Speaker F: Oh, you don't want to be here. You're being held captive.
[00:28:03] Speaker A: No.
Oh.
[00:28:07] Speaker F: All right. Well, we might be able to help you out and say maybe you could help us out. Do you happen to know, have you seen an owl bear around here?
[00:28:21] Speaker A: I do not know owl bear.
[00:28:25] Speaker F: Oh, well, then what good.
[00:28:27] Speaker B: Are you kidding?
[00:28:30] Speaker A: Your crush it overboard, throw it overboard.
[00:28:39] Speaker F: You know, like, like, like it'd be like. Like this, like this big and it would have like feathers, but like kind of a furry kind of feathers.
[00:28:49] Speaker B: So like Roscoe's gesturing as he's talking in his, like, I love the idea that he's just silently standing there and gesturing. So if we look at him, he's just like, so cute.
[00:29:03] Speaker A: And the. The captain's like, well, let's go. We're. We need to get back and bring this. This evidence to begin the proceedings.
And the creature that you're communicating with, Roscoe just kind of shrugs and just places its hands against the glass again, just looking out at you.
[00:29:26] Speaker E: How big is this cube?
[00:29:28] Speaker A: The cube he's in? It's like, like two by two foot. Two foot cube.
Two. Two by two by two.
[00:29:39] Speaker F: Two feet.
[00:29:41] Speaker B: Mm.
[00:29:44] Speaker E: And how big's the creature?
[00:29:46] Speaker A: It's maybe a foot tall.
Come on, Roscoe. Says the captain.
[00:29:57] Speaker F: Yeah, yeah. I'm just making sure that we're not missing out any evidence. You know what I mean?
[00:30:01] Speaker A: I do, I do. Is there something in particular you're looking for?
[00:30:06] Speaker F: Well, my understanding is that the kid got hit by a. A dart.
[00:30:14] Speaker A: Yes. Out of the door.
[00:30:17] Speaker F: Now, I'm no stranger to being hit by darts.
[00:30:22] Speaker A: Oh.
[00:30:23] Speaker F: I recently had the vast displeasure of attending a carnival.
[00:30:33] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:30:33] Speaker A: Do you mean carnival?
[00:30:37] Speaker F: Yeah, carnival.
[00:30:40] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:30:43] Speaker F: Where I was hit by a lot of dots.
[00:30:47] Speaker A: Oh.
Do you think these incidents are related?
[00:30:54] Speaker F: Not in like a causal way.
[00:30:57] Speaker A: Oh, in a different way.
[00:30:59] Speaker E: In a Different way?
[00:31:05] Speaker F: Yeah, once or twice removed.
I just. I just. You know, I think, yes, the door warrants inspection, but these things that can be wired throughout the whole room, you know, the dots.
[00:31:27] Speaker A: Oh, my. You're. You're right. Please, please. We should get you out of this room. You should not be putting yourself at such risk. You are among my manifest here. So please, come on.
Let's get you to a position of safety. Rosco.
[00:31:49] Speaker F: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good idea. Good idea.
[00:31:55] Speaker A: Good.
Right then.
Okay.
[00:32:00] Speaker E: Roscoe's still just standing there.
[00:32:01] Speaker A: Well, he's trying to physically usher you out of the room.
[00:32:04] Speaker E: Oh, yeah.
Roscoe's gonna, like. He's so. Like, he's making. Yeah, the captain, like, has to, like, get kind of physical and, like, kind of like. And Roscoe's kind of like.
[00:32:18] Speaker A: How sweaty is Roscoe?
[00:32:23] Speaker C: Physical, physical.
[00:32:26] Speaker E: I'm. I'm wondering if in this.
In this moment of, like, the captain having to brush up against him and kind of push, like, pull him out, usher him out.
I'm wondering if Rosco can pickpocket his.
[00:32:49] Speaker F: Keys off of him.
[00:32:52] Speaker E: Okay, but I don't know if it's. I don't know if it's worth it. Worth trying to do now, but I don't know if Roscoe would have as much reservation as I do about it.
[00:33:07] Speaker A: So this is about as easy as it's gonna get. He hasn't, like, completely even put them away. They're just kind of hanging there.
[00:33:12] Speaker E: Yeah. And, like, he's. He's getting himself. He has to make himself up close to Ross.
[00:33:18] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. This is tight quarters too. Like, it's not a big, broad room.
[00:33:21] Speaker E: So Roscoe's gonna try.
[00:33:24] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:33:25] Speaker E: Roscoe's feeling competitive with Captain Melville. Roscoe thinks he's better than Captain Malvolio. This guy doesn't even know how to run a courtroom. He doesn't deserve these keys.
[00:33:33] Speaker A: Sure, sure. Okay, so give me a sleight of hand. Check with advantage.
[00:33:43] Speaker F: Oh, it's a 19.
[00:33:45] Speaker A: A 19.
Okay.
You find yourself outside of Sean Indigo's room holding the keys.
[00:33:59] Speaker E: Yes.
[00:34:03] Speaker A: Jingle, jangle.
And the captain closes the door behind him and says, well, I think we have what we need here. Let us make our way back this blessedly short distance to the lounge, which is now the SS Abalone official courtroom. And we can begin.
[00:34:28] Speaker F: Yeah, let's do it.
[00:34:31] Speaker C: Okay.
We do need to hear Sean's defense. Does he get a lawyer?
[00:34:38] Speaker A: No, but he can. Is certainly free to defend himself.
[00:34:42] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:34:44] Speaker A: Kick. Are you asleep on the bed yet?
[00:34:48] Speaker D: No. If they leave. I need to go back to it. I'm gonna see if I can rip the wall open.
[00:34:54] Speaker A: Okay.
Now that you've made a hole, you can, you can you. You're gonna be able to. To get your way in there. It'll take a little bit of time.
[00:35:06] Speaker D: Okay. I mean, they're having a trial. Hopefully it lasts all day.
[00:35:11] Speaker A: I just had the image of him making a hole just big enough and starts to work his way through. And then it's like a Winnie the Pooh situation. And Will just comes in to bathwax. Ass just hanging out.
[00:35:23] Speaker C: Oh, bother.
[00:35:27] Speaker D: Just do that on purpose.
[00:35:28] Speaker B: Amazing. Amazing.
[00:35:31] Speaker A: You can make like a paper mache replica. Hang it over the hole of your ass.
[00:35:37] Speaker B: You have to cover up the hole somehow.
[00:35:39] Speaker A: Exactly. Why?
[00:35:40] Speaker D: Not that it's gonna come back. His furniture is all moved around. I'm actually gonna look over. It is. What is it? There's like a bureau over there. Fancy something?
[00:35:49] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:35:50] Speaker D: Can I make a hole that's about the size of that bureau?
[00:35:53] Speaker C: Probably you can use the bureau to cover it up.
[00:35:55] Speaker D: Yep.
[00:35:56] Speaker A: Yeah.
Yeah. It's big enough that you'd be able to make your way through and then hide it behind that. Sure.
[00:36:02] Speaker C: I feel like it would be such a great scene for Will to have your feet sticking out into his room. And like, he'll be like, I'll use these as a clothes horse.
[00:36:13] Speaker A: Just completely ignore the fact that he's there.
[00:36:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:19] Speaker A: So the captain, he walks back into the lounge courtroom, AKA courtroom, and he gets up behind the judge's bench, he reaches down, and when he sits back up, he is wearing a full white pearly wig.
[00:36:43] Speaker C: Amazing.
It's perfect.
[00:36:46] Speaker A: So Rufina knows where she can get one if the albatross doesn't come through for her, right?
[00:36:53] Speaker C: Steal his wig. She suddenly falls deeply in love with him.
[00:36:57] Speaker A: Finally. Guys, I did it.
[00:36:59] Speaker B: You did it.
[00:37:00] Speaker A: I've been trying everything. Everything that I could think of. This is the last page in the book.
[00:37:07] Speaker B: A full white curly wig. I love that so much.
Rafina would just love a wig like that. That's so great. Rafina's the best.
[00:37:20] Speaker A: Just picture late at night. Malfolio, put the wig on, please, for me.
[00:37:28] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:37:30] Speaker A: Hear ye, hear ye.
I call to order this, the official and legally binding maritime trial of.
What's his name again? Sean Indigo.
[00:37:46] Speaker B: I hope he said that.
[00:37:47] Speaker A: Current passenger and potential assaultant. Slash temperer. Hmm.
Uh, before we begin, does anybody have any outstanding grievances or personal issues or beef, as they call it, with the defendant that would cause you to not be an impartial participant in these proceedings.
[00:38:22] Speaker F: Uh, yeah, yeah, me.
[00:38:27] Speaker B: I say too.
[00:38:28] Speaker A: Oh. What is the nature of your grievances?
[00:38:33] Speaker F: Well, I just got back from a whole in a light situation where Sean Indigo caused great destruction and devastation, so I think it would be really hard for me to separate my biases about. From that timeline, from. From what's going on here.
[00:38:56] Speaker A: And you, Valencio.
[00:39:03] Speaker B: He accused me of faking my grief for my king, so I'm not sure I will.
[00:39:11] Speaker A: Sean.
The captain interrupts you.
That is horrible. Now, now, we were just having a conversation, mate. I don't know that I was accusing you of anything. I'm just having a bit of a.
[00:39:31] Speaker B: Are the people on trial supposed to be able to talk to the rest of us? I look at the captain.
[00:39:36] Speaker A: Well, I mean, if he has something.
[00:39:38] Speaker B: Isn'T there like a sound barrier we can put up so that if he does, it just starts screaming at us and screaming offensive things like what he did about an hour ago?
[00:39:46] Speaker A: If he is a participant in the. In this.
[00:39:49] Speaker B: I look at Rafine. I glare at her because I know this is her doing. He's a participant.
[00:39:54] Speaker A: If you and Roscoe feel you must needs recuse yourself from these, you may excuse yourself.
[00:40:04] Speaker B: Oh, so I get to decide?
[00:40:08] Speaker F: Yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go.
[00:40:10] Speaker A: Very well.
[00:40:12] Speaker F: Valencio.
You and I, we can. We can extracuse ourselves.
[00:40:21] Speaker B: I mean, I'm a little worried about walking around this ship. It sounds like a very dangerous place now.
[00:40:26] Speaker A: Oh, I believe we've isolated the.
[00:40:32] Speaker C: Mechanism.
[00:40:33] Speaker A: The mechanism? Yes. Thank you, Raphinha. That was causing such harm. I don't know that he would have had access to any other parts of.
[00:40:41] Speaker B: The ship that so far he's denied. Even putting it on the door, like he's convinced.
[00:40:45] Speaker A: Well, of course he has. On trial.
[00:40:49] Speaker C: He hasn't denied it on trial. He's only denied it beforehand.
[00:40:53] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:40:54] Speaker B: I roll my eyes over to Sean Indigo. What does he look at? Does he like.
What is this? What does his face look like?
[00:41:02] Speaker C: He's handing out business cards.
[00:41:03] Speaker E: Is clock face doing a courtroom drawing of Sean Indigo?
Look.
[00:41:10] Speaker B: Amazing.
[00:41:11] Speaker D: He looks like a fish I've been trying to catch.
[00:41:16] Speaker A: What was the phrasing in your recap, Wrigley?
[00:41:19] Speaker B: A spiky, wiggly, iridescent guppy.
[00:41:21] Speaker A: Guppy.
[00:41:22] Speaker B: When the captain asked which. Asked which fish was he's kick. Said he made it upy.
Such a funny moment.
[00:41:32] Speaker A: He doesn't look too concerned. He's got his arms crossed.
[00:41:36] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:41:39] Speaker A: He. Maybe he's been in Tighter spots before. You don't know.
Well, if you're. If you're going to be leaving, now would be the time before we get into the nitty gritty of things, so to speak.
[00:41:51] Speaker B: God. I will just say what's internally. Will is the problem, is it's fine if Roscoe leaves, but he's a little.
I don't know, like.
[00:42:01] Speaker C: Do I.
Rafine is not good with this. Rafine is like Roscoe. Valencio, I really think you should be here to witness whatever happens. We don't have a lot of witnesses.
[00:42:17] Speaker B: I didn't witness anything.
[00:42:19] Speaker C: No, to witness what's going to happen in the trial.
[00:42:22] Speaker B: Oh, like witness if he gets put to death or something like that. And I look at Sean and I go again.
[00:42:27] Speaker C: Right. If we make him walk the plank.
[00:42:32] Speaker F: Honestly, I. I can't stand to see any more of this shame of a trial. It's a mockery.
[00:42:38] Speaker A: Oh, what?
[00:42:38] Speaker C: Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. You have. You have a rule book for proper trials, right? As well as other rule books that you have.
[00:42:48] Speaker A: Are there significant differences between maritime law and circus law?
[00:42:56] Speaker F: Oh, Captain Malvolio.
[00:42:59] Speaker C: Oh, Captain, my Captain.
[00:43:01] Speaker F: Count the ways.
[00:43:03] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:43:04] Speaker F: One, two, three, four.
[00:43:09] Speaker A: Right.
[00:43:12] Speaker F: Well, there are at least four ways.
[00:43:14] Speaker E: That I can dig up in my.
[00:43:14] Speaker F: Head that they're different.
[00:43:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:43:16] Speaker F: Significantly. Well, they're probably a lot more, but.
[00:43:18] Speaker A: I. I don't appreciate your use of the term mockery, sir. So I. I think that it is very clear that you are not an unbiased member of these proceedings. So I would ask you to excuse yourself momentarily, in the parlance of the circus court.
[00:43:42] Speaker F: Sure. Yeah, I'm leaving. And you know what, Valencio, why don't you stay so that we've got as many witnesses as we need for the little maritime trial.
[00:43:56] Speaker B: Will looks at Roscoe.
[00:43:58] Speaker C: What about Shimmy's eyeball?
[00:44:02] Speaker F: Look, the kid looks cool.
And look. You look. Yeah, I just.
[00:44:09] Speaker A: I would appreciate it if you stop saying look.
[00:44:14] Speaker F: Okay, well, that's a bit. All right.
[00:44:18] Speaker E: Okay.
[00:44:18] Speaker F: See me?
[00:44:19] Speaker E: Sure.
[00:44:20] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:44:22] Speaker F: All right, well, I gotta go.
[00:44:26] Speaker A: I cut him off. I just pulled the steam right out of the sails there, didn't I?
[00:44:31] Speaker E: Yeah, the steam out of my sails.
[00:44:33] Speaker F: Shimmy. Good job.
What the fuck's going on in the ship?
What's going on?
[00:44:41] Speaker A: I got Steven sails. Not good.
[00:44:45] Speaker C: No, they're gonna get moist.
[00:44:47] Speaker F: Where's that lady?
[00:44:48] Speaker C: Yeah, where's that lady? I was wondering that, too.
[00:44:51] Speaker A: She left.
[00:44:53] Speaker C: Yeah, she's on the ship somewhere.
[00:44:55] Speaker B: Like that's something to bring up even like, so who is included in this trial? Why are you arbitrarily just including some people who were around?
[00:45:04] Speaker A: Some of us seem to be the invested parties.
[00:45:07] Speaker B: Well, do you have any other guests on this ship? Will asks to get that information because we don't know.
[00:45:13] Speaker A: Well, there's Sue. Sue Broadmore, of course. And there's Gnar, whom you've met.
[00:45:21] Speaker B: Oh, Jesus, don't bring him in here.
[00:45:23] Speaker A: I mean, we can. Should someone go get Gnar? Zelensa, You. Do you want to go get Gnar?
[00:45:28] Speaker B: Yeah, I'll go get Gnar. No, I'm just saying if one. If some of us are involved, there should be, like, a survey of the ship, don't you think? Or. I don't know.
[00:45:36] Speaker A: I think we have enough information to decide what we need to Sue Broadmoor and Gnar.
[00:45:41] Speaker B: What about your staff? Could they know something? Aren't they familiar with the lock mechanisms?
[00:45:47] Speaker A: No more than I am.
[00:45:49] Speaker C: Well, who would?
Okay, fine.
So this was installed with or without magical powers.
[00:45:58] Speaker F: All right, this feels like the trial is happening. I'm leaving, and I don't want to bring Sue Broadmoor into it, because, frankly, in my inner light, we became lovers.
[00:46:09] Speaker A: Is that true?
[00:46:12] Speaker E: Yeah, it is.
[00:46:13] Speaker A: Okay, cool.
[00:46:14] Speaker E: I'm in control of this whole alternate timeline.
[00:46:17] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, sure. I just want to know what Roscoe's fantasies are.
[00:46:23] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:46:24] Speaker E: Oh, it's a.
[00:46:26] Speaker F: All right, well, bye, everybody. Good luck.
[00:46:30] Speaker C: Don't fall off the boat. Roscoe, we love you. Be good. Bye.
[00:46:35] Speaker F: All right, all right, all right. Now time to pull out the captain's keys that I pickpocket.
[00:46:42] Speaker E: He's murmuring that as he.
[00:46:45] Speaker A: Jingle, jangle, jingle, jangle, jingle, jangle, jangle, indeed. Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.
All right.
Kick.
Yes. You've managed to hack, gouge, slash blatch, slash your way through this wall. It's the ugliest hole anybody's ever seen. Patching it un noticeably, it would be extremely difficult. But you can fit through sized. And you can slide that lovely piece of furniture in front of it to hide it from this side anyway.
[00:47:25] Speaker D: All right, perfect.
Just what I wanted. Great. I'm going to wriggle through into the other room.
[00:47:33] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:47:34] Speaker D: Oh, but not first. Before sliding a dresser relatively close to the hole, right?
[00:47:40] Speaker A: Like reaching behind you and trying to get in front of it. Okay, cool. All right. So you find yourself in the dark confines of Sean Indigo's room.
The jar of floating, glowing orbs is about the only point of illumination in here currently. You hear some creatures moving around and fluttering and skittering and Glopping and things like that.
What are you doing?
[00:48:10] Speaker D: Owlbear.
Owlbear.
[00:48:16] Speaker A: And the other thing to note. And other people would have seen this too, but there's also another door leading to another chamber. You would assume it's kind of directly to your left as you come in.
[00:48:28] Speaker D: I open it.
[00:48:29] Speaker A: That door is locked.
[00:48:33] Speaker D: I have to make another hole.
[00:48:39] Speaker A: This is a series of holes leading all through the ship. They become like this. Like rat.
[00:48:43] Speaker D: Until it starts to sink.
[00:48:47] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:48:48] Speaker D: Just this geyser that goes through the series of holes in the wall. All right, there's no owl. No owl. Bear is answering me. There is no owlbear call.
[00:48:59] Speaker A: No.
[00:49:00] Speaker D: Maybe I'm not saying the right thing.
[00:49:01] Speaker A: Yeah. As you notice the door, you hear in your head a voice say, get me home.
[00:49:08] Speaker D: Oh. Oh. I'm totally knocking that door down.
[00:49:12] Speaker A: Okay, athletics.
[00:49:14] Speaker D: All right, so I'm a one trick pony.
[00:49:20] Speaker B: Wait, the voice is behind the door? Or he's.
[00:49:22] Speaker A: It's in his head.
[00:49:23] Speaker B: Oh, okay, okay.
[00:49:24] Speaker D: It's in my head, all right? And in my head, it's behind the door.
[00:49:27] Speaker A: Mm. All right, so with a 20, you crush, you crash into the door. The mechanism holding the door springs free. You stumble in, and as you do, you hear.
And from the lock that you just disintegrated, three darts shoot out and strike you squarely in the hip.
[00:49:49] Speaker D: Yes.
Oh, my hip.
[00:49:52] Speaker A: You skid into the room and teeter for a second before falling flat on your face.
[00:50:00] Speaker B: Ooh.
[00:50:01] Speaker D: Am I dead?
[00:50:03] Speaker A: And kick, AKA the disguised King Bathwack, is laid prone and immobile on the floor of this yet to be explored room.
[00:50:17] Speaker C: Wait, so he looks like bathware.
[00:50:18] Speaker D: I can't.
[00:50:19] Speaker A: No, no, no. Oh, he looks the same.
[00:50:22] Speaker D: Can I. I can't even talk. Can I?
[00:50:24] Speaker A: You're unconscious. And we're gonna find out what happens. Next time on Pork Fried Dice.
[00:50:31] Speaker D: I'm dreaming about Fish.
[00:50:34] Speaker A: The band.
[00:50:35] Speaker E: Of course you are.
[00:50:36] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:50:37] Speaker B: Oh, my God.
[00:50:40] Speaker C: I have to write this down.
[00:50:41] Speaker D: Somehow they look different in my dreams.
Like they could almost be real.
[00:50:50] Speaker B: Wow.
Maybe one day.
[00:50:54] Speaker A: Maybe.
[00:50:57] Speaker B: No, I just gotta get.
[00:50:58] Speaker D: No, I actually. Is it. Is it actually a dark, dreamless sleep of horrible poison?
[00:51:04] Speaker A: It's a good question. I'll figure that out for next time.
[00:51:08] Speaker C: On Pork Fried Dice.
[00:51:10] Speaker A: Thank you, Abby.
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