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Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hey, you. Come over here.
[00:00:02] Speaker B: What is it, Mysterious person in that shadowy alley?
[00:00:05] Speaker C: Check out what I got under my trench coat. Whoa.
[00:00:09] Speaker B: Is that a subscription to Pork Fried Dice on Kofi? Yeah.
[00:00:13] Speaker C: See, it says tinyurl.com supportpfd neato. Hey, while you're here, you wanna buy some crack?
[00:00:23] Speaker B: You're listening to the show about going full bat Thwack mode. It's Pork Fried Dice.
I'm Eric and I'm the dungeon master.
[00:00:35] Speaker D: I'm Abby and I play Rafina.
[00:00:38] Speaker E: I'm Alex and I play Batwack.
[00:00:41] Speaker C: I'm KT and I play Will.
[00:00:44] Speaker A: I'm Adam and I play Roscoe.
[00:00:49] Speaker B: Hold on to your haversacks. Let's roll.
[00:00:56] Speaker A: We all know that the earth wobbles, but did you know that it doesn't fall down?
[00:01:01] Speaker C: Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.
[00:01:05] Speaker B: Was that another MxPx song?
[00:01:07] Speaker C: Yes. Definitely yes.
What's that?
[00:01:11] Speaker B: Isn't it, like the crust of the earth, like the composition of the earth? It's like rock is this. And then dirt is just like a tiny little.
[00:01:18] Speaker C: Oh, you don't even. Dirt isn't even on the chart when you're drawing, like, the composition, the actual composition of the planet. That's nothing.
[00:01:25] Speaker A: No, I Weebles fall down, but they get up again. Oh, nothing's gonna keep a Weeble down.
[00:01:32] Speaker D: That's the next recap song.
[00:01:34] Speaker B: Name another song by Chumbawamba.
[00:01:37] Speaker C: Chumbawam is the song.
[00:01:38] Speaker B: No, it's tub thumping.
[00:01:40] Speaker C: Oh, tub band. Oh, Chumba Wamba is the band, man.
[00:01:42] Speaker D: They might be also covered that song.
[00:01:44] Speaker B: Chumba Wumba is the band.
[00:01:46] Speaker C: I don't know any other Tub Something is the song.
[00:01:49] Speaker A: But you know what's weird? It's not. This is like a. Like a Mandela effect. It's not Chumbawamba. It's Chumbawamba.
[00:01:57] Speaker C: No, Chamba. Wamba.
Wamba.
[00:02:05] Speaker D: Wow.
[00:02:06] Speaker C: Because I definitely would have thought it was chumbawamba.
[00:02:09] Speaker A: Everyone thinks it's chumbawamba. Eric thought it was Chumbawamba, but it's not. It's Chumbawamba.
[00:02:14] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:02:16] Speaker B: Like that.
[00:02:17] Speaker C: What'd you say?
[00:02:18] Speaker A: You do have to pronounce it like that.
[00:02:20] Speaker B: It's like.
[00:02:22] Speaker C: No.
[00:02:24] Speaker B: All right. Have I delayed long enough?
[00:02:26] Speaker D: Recap. Recap. Recap.
[00:02:29] Speaker B: Yay.
[00:02:30] Speaker C: I love it when I don't have to do your recap and I get to listen to everyone else's stuff, and it's always amazing. Poor Adam's gonna be like, I died before I could write this. All I did was.
Did he send you something. Are you ready to play it?
[00:02:43] Speaker B: Previously on Pork Fried Dice.
[00:02:47] Speaker A: In the maritime criminal justice system, the passengers are represented by one solitary and extremely important individual. Captain Malvolio Paisley, who investigates crime. And Captain Malvolio Paisley, who transforms the ship's lounge into a courtroom and dresses up like a judge with a white wig and robe and everything and prosecutes the offenders.
These are his stories.
Roscoe lives a lie then does. Does not run away.
Does not run away giggling. Malvolio comes in and the rest. Sean Indigo tampering with ship locking me. Lost his eye from picking a dark trap log. And though Will says it's cool, Malvolio thinks it was cruel. It's maritime law Lounge becomes courtroom. Roscoe thinks maritime orders a shame. Kick, kick, kick down Sean's door Kick breaks in two wheels. Malvolio plays the cub Roscoe gets. You gotta help this fungal creature in the cube. Gotta help it get home.
This is maritime law, Malvolio and maritime order.
He's in a robe and wake.
[00:04:24] Speaker C: Bethwack.
[00:04:24] Speaker A: Tunnel's over and gets hit by a bunch of darts. Just like Shimi, Maritime crime is a vicious, never ending cycle.
I guess that's why we need people like Captain Malvolio Paisley. Because to deal with maritime crime, we're always going to need maritime law and order.
Dun dun.
[00:04:53] Speaker C: Amazing. Oh, no.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: Now it's done.
[00:05:04] Speaker D: Always with the existential sting at the end.
[00:05:06] Speaker C: I say, I swear that was amazing.
[00:05:10] Speaker D: I want to listen to it again.
[00:05:11] Speaker C: Because I couldn't even hear, like.
[00:05:12] Speaker A: Yeah, I forgot. I wanted to drop the lyrics. The lyrics overlap so much. But I put them in the. I put them in the chat in the. I love the Damn.
[00:05:22] Speaker C: But like, you were like, doing the guitar. Like a guitar, but like, said Malvolio or something like that. I can't remember what you said. Amazing or maritime. I don't remember which one it was, but it was amazing. I love that. All right. This is so great.
It's maritime.
[00:05:41] Speaker D: It's so. Oh, it's so perfect.
[00:05:43] Speaker A: To be fair, the heavy lifting had already, like, been done. There's a YouTube video that I found. It was like a silly, like, Law and Order with lyrics. So, like, somebody had already done.
[00:05:54] Speaker B: I didn't know what had them.
[00:05:55] Speaker C: Wait, what?
[00:05:56] Speaker A: There are no lyrics. The video was making fun of. Oh, are you doing a bit, Eric?
[00:06:04] Speaker C: I don't know what's going on right now. I'm very confused.
[00:06:07] Speaker A: There is a. There is a funny video, everybody.
[00:06:10] Speaker B: I'm doing a bit. It's okay. I know that Law and Order doesn't have lyrics. Everybody can settle down. It's fine.
[00:06:18] Speaker A: Eric. I could have. I saw, like, the moment of, like, quantum. Like, it could have gone either way. You could have just let this flounder and you made the decision. You made the subatomic particles fall on this side of chaos, and I appreciate it.
[00:06:34] Speaker D: The North Star changed right away.
[00:06:37] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:06:38] Speaker B: Yep. My brain processed.
[00:06:42] Speaker D: That was so perfect.
[00:06:43] Speaker C: That was amazing.
[00:06:45] Speaker D: Thank you.
[00:06:45] Speaker C: I love it so much.
[00:06:48] Speaker A: Of course, it's, you know, not quite as thorough as my usual recaps, but I don't give a. I think it.
[00:06:55] Speaker C: Was perfect because what the fuck is going on? Even, like, how thorough does it. What is happening in this courtroom?
[00:07:01] Speaker B: I warned you all years ago against recapitulation, escalation.
I encouraged recap, disarmament. In fact.
[00:07:15] Speaker D: Now we just keep. Nobody listened one up each other.
[00:07:18] Speaker C: I appreciate that people are being amazing, and I love that recap because I think it was just as amazing as all the other ones. Yeah, sure. It wasn't 10 minutes long. Like, that one was like.
[00:07:30] Speaker A: It's like 12. 12 minutes.
[00:07:33] Speaker C: That's amazing. It's amazing.
[00:07:35] Speaker D: It does not usually two and a half minutes.
[00:07:37] Speaker C: I think that, you know, someone should.
[00:07:39] Speaker B: Do one with the Seinfeld theme.
[00:07:45] Speaker C: We'll have to be at a popcorn store for that one to happen.
[00:07:48] Speaker A: This. This felt like a good, like, follow up to your sitcom one last week.
[00:07:53] Speaker C: Oh, yeah. You know what's sad for me, though, is, like, even though I recognize the song, I don't know the show. So I was like, what the is the show? Until I heard you say it's maritime law. And then right from the start, I don't know Law and Order, like, at all.
[00:08:06] Speaker A: Even from the opening narration.
[00:08:09] Speaker C: No, I don't know. So I know.
[00:08:10] Speaker A: I know the.
[00:08:11] Speaker C: I know the opening narration in terms of, like, sketches and, like, referring to it in society, but I've never seen that show. So I was like, oh, what is this show? It's that crime drama show, but I don't know what it is.
[00:08:24] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:08:25] Speaker C: Yeah. I'm stupid, I guess. I don't know. Have you ever watched.
[00:08:29] Speaker B: I think I've seen it.
[00:08:31] Speaker A: It's just kind of there.
[00:08:32] Speaker D: It's too ubiquitous for me not to know it.
[00:08:35] Speaker A: You know that the one episode of. The one episode of Community that spoofs it, Right? It's called Basic Lupine Urology, and it's the one where Troy and Annie are, like, detectives, and I think they investigate the. Is the yam.
[00:08:50] Speaker C: Oh, yeah, I know the yam.
[00:08:53] Speaker A: That's a Law and Order pairing. And the title is a reference to the creator of Law and Order, Dick Wolf. So basic lupine urology.
[00:09:02] Speaker C: Wolf, Dick. Very nice.
[00:09:05] Speaker B: Anyway.
[00:09:06] Speaker D: Anyway, this is a good short session. We're all going to write a recap for it.
[00:09:10] Speaker C: Write the recap about Adam's recap. We've probably made that joke before. Just recapping the recap that we just listened to.
[00:09:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:09:20] Speaker C: You're the dm. Are you next to your microphone?
[00:09:22] Speaker B: Yeah, I am.
[00:09:23] Speaker C: Can you reach that? Do you need me? Ah, so you pulled me over here, but I feel like I'm too close to your microphone now.
[00:09:30] Speaker B: No, you're fine.
[00:09:31] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:09:31] Speaker B: You're fine. I guess I don't.
[00:09:33] Speaker C: You can edit this one session, January 5th. If we hear.
[00:09:37] Speaker B: Okay, I'll move way over here. No, way over there.
[00:09:39] Speaker C: Why'd you pull me? So that you don't have to be on screen. They see you.
[00:09:44] Speaker B: You're just always, like, half on screen.
[00:09:46] Speaker C: I'm lucky because I get to see you all the time when you're doing your voices and stuff, but sometimes you're just not even on the screen, and it's not.
[00:09:52] Speaker D: We like to see your face.
[00:09:55] Speaker A: All right, Eric, before we get started, can you. Can you just go back in my recap and play at the end of the way I say maritime crime?
[00:10:05] Speaker B: I'll try. If I can follow.
[00:10:06] Speaker C: You said it or sang it the.
[00:10:08] Speaker A: Way I said it. Because the deal with maritime crime. Wait, with maritime crime.
Yeah, there we go.
Maritime grime of. Maritime. Maritime crime. Maritime grime. Maritime grime. Maritime crime. Maritime crime.
[00:10:29] Speaker C: I'm sorry, you guys. This is my husband.
[00:10:32] Speaker A: I'm not.
I'm brilliant.
I'm a God.
I'm getting into character here.
[00:10:42] Speaker C: So funny.
[00:10:44] Speaker D: All right, he's in a cage.
[00:10:47] Speaker C: So far, my note is, Eric. Encouraged recap. Disarmament.
[00:10:52] Speaker D: Oh, shoot. I should have written that down, too.
[00:10:57] Speaker B: All right, so we find ourselves attending still the maritime trial of Sean Indigo, the proceedings of which are being overseen and guided and led and run by Captain Malvolio Paisley. As the captain of the ship, he has the necessary stuff to be able to. To run one of these things clearly by law.
[00:11:29] Speaker C: Is that, like. I know that. That is a thing. Maritime law. Like, can Captain. Do they really have just, like, ultimate authority when they're on this? Can they, like.
[00:11:37] Speaker B: No.
[00:11:38] Speaker C: Execute somebody?
[00:11:39] Speaker B: No. What?
[00:11:40] Speaker C: I'm just curious, like, how far does the.
[00:11:42] Speaker B: I don't.
[00:11:43] Speaker C: I know. That's, like, from a long time ago.
[00:11:44] Speaker B: They can marry people.
[00:11:46] Speaker C: Yeah, I know they can marry people. That's why I'm asking what. To what extent do they're married time on Mary time?
[00:11:52] Speaker A: I thought you were going to ask kt. Are they going to ask if the necessary stuff is a movie?
[00:11:57] Speaker C: The necessary stuff? You know, that, like, the right stuff.
[00:11:59] Speaker D: The right.
[00:12:01] Speaker B: Do the necessary stuff.
[00:12:03] Speaker A: Oh, do the necessary thing.
[00:12:05] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:12:10] Speaker B: Okay, so Roscoe re excused himself, I believe.
Did Will. I mean, did Mal. You mean recuse? Yeah.
[00:12:21] Speaker C: Is that what called re. Excuse?
[00:12:25] Speaker A: It was a recuse.
It was a combination of recuse and excuse.
[00:12:31] Speaker B: Excuse one selves or recuse oneself. I think it was Adam either intentionally misspeaking or accidentally misspeaking.
[00:12:40] Speaker C: I love it. It's perfect.
[00:12:41] Speaker A: It was intentional.
[00:12:42] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:12:42] Speaker A: I don't do anything by mistake.
[00:12:45] Speaker B: I will make a note of that.
[00:12:47] Speaker C: Maritime.
[00:12:48] Speaker A: Oh, great.
[00:12:53] Speaker B: Has Valencio re excused himself yet? I know he was planning on it.
[00:12:58] Speaker C: I had said it, but I don't think he did. I don't think I left, did I?
[00:13:03] Speaker A: Guys, Roscoe gave you the out, and you, I think, stayed back because you.
[00:13:10] Speaker C: Like, I'm worried about what's happening. I think Will just is more like.
I think I said something like that. Like, he's more concerned about, like, what's going on here. We need to make sure that this is covered so that. I don't even know. I don't know what Bathwax doing. I think I'm. Yeah, I think I was worried about bathwack, but I don't know. I think I'm just staying here. I think that's what I.
I think that's what I said.
[00:13:36] Speaker B: All right, so the captain says, so, Roscoe, you are leaving or have left? Just so we're.
[00:13:43] Speaker A: I'm leaving, but so I. You know. Yeah, but so I. Adam know that Bathwack is, like, dying on the floor in that room.
[00:13:53] Speaker B: So you're just gonna go? Yeah, you're gonna go.
[00:13:56] Speaker A: Roscoe's gonna take his sweet old time.
I. I picture this as a very, like, intense moment of Bathwack lying there on the brink of death. And Rosco, just like, he's the only one who can save Bathwack. He's got the captain's keys.
[00:14:14] Speaker B: Swinging them. Swinging them on your finger.
[00:14:16] Speaker A: Swinging them around. He drops him.
[00:14:19] Speaker B: This fell out the fishing oil.
[00:14:21] Speaker C: Fishing oil.
[00:14:24] Speaker A: Bends over, sees a mustard stain on his shoe. That's what they want.
[00:14:28] Speaker B: Rip your pants ripped.
[00:14:34] Speaker A: Cut back to Bathwax.
[00:14:41] Speaker B: All right, so says Captain Malvolio. Paisley, we have come now to the time at which the statements of the court will be delivered.
First, I would like to receive A statement from the assaultee.
[00:15:01] Speaker C: Hmm?
[00:15:02] Speaker B: Master Shimi, would you please step forward? Who may. Yes, you, please. All right, all right, Shimi, present to us your plight. Your. This. This attack that was brought upon you allegedly by the defendant here, the assaulter, if you will. Alleged assaulter Sean. Sean Indigo.
You're not there.
[00:15:39] Speaker A: If Ruska were here, he would be.
Oh, my God. Ridiculing.
[00:15:44] Speaker C: Don't worry. Will is there like this so bad.
[00:15:47] Speaker A: Oh, good.
[00:15:48] Speaker C: He's put.
[00:15:50] Speaker B: Describe it.
[00:15:51] Speaker C: I. I don't even know if I can look at anybody. He's trying to look at Rafina. Raphina's probably looking adoringly at the captain or something, but he's. His fingers are to his head and he's just wide eyed, like, trying to shield his glance from the captain if he was looking in his direction, but, like really wide eyed looking at anybody who will make eye contact with me except for Sean Indigo.
[00:16:08] Speaker B: Do you know what I think you need to do? You need to share your drawing of the different Will Personas sketch, please, of.
[00:16:20] Speaker A: The characters in the scene.
[00:16:22] Speaker C: Will.
[00:16:23] Speaker A: Will, can you do that style? Like, that would be cool.
[00:16:26] Speaker C: Like with. Oh, man, I could try. I could try. Yeah, like that pastel watercolor, that thing I'm writing.
[00:16:34] Speaker B: But I just. KT is working on a drawing of the different Will Personas, the Fred Greenman. Oh, nice, Mr. Brownman. And I'm picturing Valencio Beigeman right now doing this gesture. And it's wonderful. Why, I just love the Valencia.
[00:16:52] Speaker C: Yeah, I'm not done on the drawing, but. Yeah.
[00:16:58] Speaker B: Right. Well, so I was walking down the hall in the ship here, this beautiful craft, the SS Abalone.
And I was admiring, you know, how fine the. The woodwork is and the walls and the doors and whatnot. And Rafina here was with me, my good friend Rufina. Hi, Rufina.
[00:17:20] Speaker C: Hi.
[00:17:22] Speaker B: And I believe I stumbled a bit or. But I just kind of knocked into the door, Sean's door, I learned later. And something flew out of the lock, and it hurt a lot. It flew right into my face.
It went pew, pew, pew, apparently.
And into my face were three darts that shot out of the lock on his door. And I fell back on my back and I went, oh, what's happening to me?
[00:17:56] Speaker A: Oh, oh, oh.
[00:17:59] Speaker B: And Rafina was like, no, she me. My best friend. No.
[00:18:05] Speaker D: Now he has to roll deception, okay?
[00:18:11] Speaker C: He's gonna have to roll deception for this. I would assume in any place a court of law. You'd sure make me roll deception.
[00:18:17] Speaker B: Yeah, but I'm the dm.
[00:18:18] Speaker C: Okay. She means special fool yourself. Yes.
[00:18:23] Speaker B: All right. Thirteen plus whatever. His modifier is. Good to know. Okay.
And she used her magical healing power. She's a magical healer, by the way. She's really good at it when she decides she wants to heal someone or she heals them right up. But this one dart was right in this eye. You see how gross and ugly this eye is? That also kind of makes me look cool. Well, the dart was just stuck in there, and it hurt real bad. It still kind of hurts, but Raphina made it feel mostly better. And she got all the darts out of me. But I can't see out of this eye, and that's a severe impairment. I've only. I'm only 14 years through my life. Hopefully that hasn't been established as something else canon. Or if it has, hopefully I was right. But otherwise, that's how old I am. But also, I could be lying. You never know.
Anyway, so that's what happened. And then we. We went to find the captain here to tell him what happened and to tell him what a dangerous thing was here in the ship that this man pointing at Sean perpetrated. Because we later find out that that was his room door.
Right? Yeah, sure. Okay. Yeah, that's my statement.
Malvolio goes. He starts clapping.
[00:19:56] Speaker C: Whoa. Okay.
[00:19:58] Speaker B: You're not there, Adam.
He didn't make a noise, but he made a face. Everybody can.
[00:20:03] Speaker C: I can. Like. It's legit. It is very funny, Mo.
[00:20:08] Speaker B: But claps too.
[00:20:09] Speaker C: Clapping for this testimony. Can I. I think I rolled last time, but maybe I. I don't really remember. Is this guy, like, has this his first time ever doing this? Does he have no idea what he's doing, or is he try to. Trying to be nice to Rafina? Is that. Would that be an insight role?
[00:20:28] Speaker B: It would be.
[00:20:29] Speaker C: All right. Doot.
[00:20:32] Speaker B: Doot.
[00:20:33] Speaker C: Did it work?
[00:20:33] Speaker B: Yeah.
The 3D dice are super laggy for me. I wonder why.
[00:20:38] Speaker C: Thirteen. Same as Shimi.
[00:20:40] Speaker B: Ooh.
Well, I mean, he rolled a 13 plus whatever his modifier was. You only roll an 8.
[00:20:47] Speaker C: 8.
[00:20:47] Speaker B: But I have a 13.
[00:20:49] Speaker C: It's a 13. It's not an 8.
[00:20:51] Speaker B: It is a 13.
He doesn't appear nervous.
That does. I mean, maybe he's just comfortable in this role no matter what.
I don't know. With a 13, you'd be able to know if he's done this before. It doesn't seem like any judge you've seen or any kind of court proceedings, though you've. I think Tivoli probably has had its Fair share of kangaroo courts, Owl bear courts you. I mean, as always, you think he's trying to be nice to or do a favor for or impress Raphina.
[00:21:33] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:21:35] Speaker B: Whether that's all this is, you don't know.
[00:21:38] Speaker C: Okay.
Okay.
[00:21:42] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:21:43] Speaker C: Captain Malvolio clapped.
[00:21:45] Speaker B: Yeah, he did.
[00:21:46] Speaker D: And so did Mo.
[00:21:48] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:21:48] Speaker C: Mo clap too. Okay.
[00:21:50] Speaker B: Oh, very good, Shimmy. Very good. I'm sorry for the injury you have received. We'll certainly get to the bottom of this. Now, I need a statement from the previously mentioned assaulter, Sean Indigo. He turns to Sean, who's still in this cage, if you recall, over to the right of the. The judge's bench, he says, sean, what do you have to say for yourself?
All right, let me get into the voice or no. Crikey.
Australia is not a place.
[00:22:32] Speaker C: God, I hope Sean Indigo dies.
[00:22:38] Speaker B: I don't know what you're on about.
Yeah, that's my room. I don't know what he was doing bumping up against the door. But I mean, I. I'm allowed to. To ensure that my goods and my. My space mate is secured against thieves and. And ne'er do wells. I got high quality, high value belongings in Maroon along with my boomerangs. And so I'm just trying to get.
I keep wanting to go into Shimi. It's almost like they're identical, except for when I say things that have to do with Australia in Shimmy's accent.
But I'd say that a bloke is entitled to privacy and security.
I don't remember the sign. And nothing from this here mate saying that I had to not tamper with Mador.
I think I would have read something like that and had something to say about it.
So I think you'll find that I'm in the clear here. And if someone had to find themselves tampering with my door, accidental or otherwise, that. That's on them.
[00:24:12] Speaker D: So you have no insurance.
[00:24:14] Speaker A: Some Steve Bonnet there near the end.
Some privacy.
I'm sorry, I stepped on. What did Raphina say?
[00:24:23] Speaker D: Rafina said. So you have no insurance for. You have no liability safeguards for if this were. If this happens, especially to a young child.
[00:24:39] Speaker B: I mean, he said he's 14. Sheila Young.
[00:24:45] Speaker D: I mean, that's Rafina stamps her foot.
[00:24:49] Speaker B: I did not see you giving him alcohol earlier to that young child.
[00:24:55] Speaker D: Objection.
[00:24:57] Speaker B: Sustained.
They both touch their fingers on the piano.
[00:25:04] Speaker D: They fist bump. Okay, okay, you're the dm, all right.
[00:25:07] Speaker B: Do you hold your fist out? He'll fist bump you.
[00:25:12] Speaker D: Oh, man, is that what she would do? Yes, but it's more that she's all riled up, so she punches a little too hard.
[00:25:21] Speaker B: He shakes his fist a little bit, but smiles.
[00:25:23] Speaker A: This is all terrible.
[00:25:25] Speaker B: We.
[00:25:25] Speaker C: Yes, yes.
[00:25:26] Speaker A: This is all a lie.
[00:25:27] Speaker C: Yes, it is. And Will is. Will is very aware of that. And is. And. And honestly, like, all of this, again, like, Will is, like, okay with it because, yeah, he's been a part of probably something similar. He doesn't, you know, this moral compass stuff, this is not. He's not gonna care. We need to do stuff that's more important than this guy. It doesn't matter. What happened is this happens to this guy, but he is concerned about the fairness. And, like, we're on a boat with this guy. And if this guy is, like a maniacal, power hungry weirdo or if he's literally just, like, trying to impress Raphina with this. It's so weird. Will is paying close attention. Roscoe, don't worry.
[00:26:08] Speaker A: I've got an idea. I've got a compelling argument.
How about instead of a moral compass.
[00:26:15] Speaker B: Oh, God. Like, everybody, keep in mind this is intentional, not accidental. Go on.
[00:26:21] Speaker A: This is not. This is not actually not building up to a joke. This could actually be an interesting. Instead of a moral compass that, like, points north, how about like a moral compass, like the thing that you draw a circle with. That way you get to control the bounds.
[00:26:36] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:26:37] Speaker A: Of the. Of your morality. Wait, that's a much more interesting moral compass.
[00:26:43] Speaker D: Overruled.
[00:26:45] Speaker B: Double. Sustained.
Yeah, yeah. Sustain all you want, but the other never happened before. No, because here's the other thing. I sort of insinuated there, Sheila, that the door was bumped into.
No, no. The Locke would not have disengaged its defense mechanisms unless it'd been tampered with.
[00:27:17] Speaker D: Intentionally defined tamper.
[00:27:20] Speaker B: You gotta get something in there. You gotta be jiggling and jimmying around in the lock.
[00:27:26] Speaker D: Was it. Was there something found on the per. On the assaultee?
People of the court.
[00:27:32] Speaker B: What? What's that? Rafina says Malvolio, what are you asking?
[00:27:35] Speaker D: Was anything found at the scene or on the child that could have been jiggled?
[00:27:40] Speaker B: Oh, that's a good point. We never searched the assaultee. Shimi, if you would present yourself, we will. We will do a thorough search of your personage.
[00:27:48] Speaker C: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why are you doing a thorough search of.
[00:27:51] Speaker B: Well, Rafina said that we should check to see if there was anything that could be used to. Jimmy, I.
[00:27:56] Speaker C: Look in Shimi's eyes. Does he look nervous at all? Yes, like he's carrying Something.
[00:27:59] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:27:59] Speaker C: All right, listen. This is a child in Where I come from.
[00:28:03] Speaker B: Well, I mean, he's 14, as he is so professed.
[00:28:06] Speaker C: 14 is a child where I come from. Is that not an adult come from?
[00:28:10] Speaker B: Well, I mean, there are. I have crew members that are 14.
[00:28:15] Speaker C: Captain Malvolio Paisley. Is that how you accept guests on your ship without having anyone pay?
[00:28:21] Speaker B: I don't know what you're.
[00:28:22] Speaker C: Child labor?
[00:28:24] Speaker B: No, I use 14 year old labor and older.
[00:28:28] Speaker C: Rafina.
[00:28:29] Speaker B: No one's currently 14, but some 14 when they started. Oh, yes, of course they are.
[00:28:35] Speaker C: All right. Anyway, I'm just saying that this is the victim and this is like the second time.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: At one point, Rafina suggested. And as a, you know.
[00:28:44] Speaker C: As a what? She's not a judge.
[00:28:46] Speaker D: Something in the hall at the scene of the crime. That would have fallen down because certainly he wouldn't have.
Sorry, there's a stink bug. I think that was in character.
[00:28:59] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:59] Speaker B: I like the sleeves.
[00:29:01] Speaker C: That's what I do. I'm like, what, those big fat bugs? They are huge when they fly around.
[00:29:05] Speaker D: They're giant when they fly. Holy crap.
[00:29:07] Speaker C: Take it all in.
[00:29:08] Speaker D: Baba hotep. Which, anyway, I keep.
[00:29:11] Speaker B: Are there scarabs that fly around in that or something?
[00:29:13] Speaker D: Yes, there really are. Yes.
[00:29:15] Speaker C: I love it.
[00:29:15] Speaker D: It's terrifying. Attacks Elvis.
[00:29:17] Speaker B: I'm sorry, Abby.
[00:29:19] Speaker D: So, okay, so anyway, Rafina says we should just see. Certainly the. The child would have dropped whatever he was allegedly jamming into the lock in order to tamper with it.
I'm just saying. And we could just ask. We could ask him too. Let's ask Jamie.
[00:29:43] Speaker B: What? What are you asking if I. No, I said I'm not always in Jimmy. And nothing.
[00:29:48] Speaker D: Did you drop anything at the scene or did you have anything with you?
[00:29:52] Speaker B: I was. I was severely maimed. I could have dropped everything. Who knows? But I don't jimmy with locks. I don't tamper with nothing.
Well, I think we should do a search now. Chimy, step up here.
[00:30:07] Speaker C: I'm gonna. I want to press to digitate. Like the sound of a knock on the door.
[00:30:11] Speaker B: Okay.
Go ahead. It's not a roll, right?
[00:30:15] Speaker C: No, it's not a roll.
[00:30:17] Speaker B: Which door?
[00:30:18] Speaker C: Either door. It doesn't matter. Whatever's closest to me. I don't even know where I am. I have no idea where I'm sitting or anything.
[00:30:25] Speaker B: All right.
[00:30:25] Speaker C: There's only two doors, right? Headed in, same wall. I just correct the back lock a knock on the door.
[00:30:33] Speaker B: Pick a lock, knock. Okay, so you press a knock on the door.
We're gonna take A pause. And we're going to check in with the Rick. Excuse me. Re. Re. Excuse.
Roscoe LaFleur.
Hello. Roscoe, you've left the courtroom. These proceedings, these formal, serious proceedings are going on behind you without your knowledge. What are you doing?
[00:31:02] Speaker A: Yeah, heading for that. Heading for Sean's room.
[00:31:05] Speaker B: Okay. Okay. With a.
[00:31:07] Speaker A: You know, like the. I was listing a couple, like, distractions that might have cropped up, and then I don't know. How many keys are on this key ring?
[00:31:14] Speaker B: A lot.
10.
[00:31:18] Speaker C: It's not enough.
[00:31:20] Speaker A: 40?
[00:31:20] Speaker B: Yeah, that's great. One million.
[00:31:24] Speaker A: Let's go with 40.
Roscoe tries every key except the.
Before getting to the right one.
[00:31:37] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:31:38] Speaker A: No, not that one. Oh, this one don't fit.
Not this one either.
[00:31:44] Speaker B: That's three.
[00:31:46] Speaker A: Okay, how about this one? No, no, no.
All right, I'm gonna try six all at once.
Nope, none of those worked.
[00:31:59] Speaker C: Six all at once.
[00:32:07] Speaker A: Well, hey, this is taking forever to get in this door.
These keys.
[00:32:13] Speaker B: All right, Then you try one and it works, but you don't recognize it. And you try the rest. And then you think it's the last one, but it was like, the. The tenth one that actually it was one that I.
[00:32:23] Speaker A: So I have to circle back.
[00:32:24] Speaker B: Oh, no, it worked. You just didn't really realize it. You were lack.
[00:32:27] Speaker A: Oh, it is. So it's unlocked.
[00:32:28] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah, you're good.
[00:32:29] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:32:31] Speaker B: Creek the door open, and you are in his room. You see that the other door in sort of the back right corner is open, which was not the case before when you left here.
[00:32:55] Speaker A: That's curious. Roscoe's also just looking to make sure that the fungal creature is still there.
[00:33:02] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:33:02] Speaker B: You look and he's where he was before with his arm appendages pushed in a supplicatory manner against the glass. And you hear. You're back in your head.
[00:33:19] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm back.
Didn't I tell you? Did I forget if I did or not? But I thought that I, like, said before I left. I'll be back. Did I do it like I did do a bit before Creature?
[00:33:34] Speaker B: I mean, you probably did a bit. I don't know which one, though.
[00:33:38] Speaker A: Okay, well, I'm back anyway. What's going on in here?
Are you sure you don't know what an owl bear is?
[00:33:50] Speaker B: No. What is it?
[00:33:52] Speaker A: Ah, it's a thing. I'm gonna look around a bit, but I'm coming for you, okay? In a good way. Like, I'm gonna help you get home.
[00:34:00] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:34:01] Speaker A: What's through this door? Rusk is gonna go over and Check out what's going on over here.
[00:34:05] Speaker B: Okay, so it's. It's pretty dark, but you see in the doorway and on the floor beyond, there is a figure laying prone face down.
[00:34:22] Speaker A: Hey, creature.
[00:34:24] Speaker D: What?
[00:34:24] Speaker A: Do you know who that is?
[00:34:27] Speaker B: I don't. They came in through a hole.
[00:34:33] Speaker A: Describe him.
[00:34:35] Speaker B: Big, green, asleep.
[00:34:43] Speaker A: Kick is green, right?
[00:34:45] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:46] Speaker A: Roscoe's gonna go over. He'll. He'll very cautiously investigate the person. Will he recognize it as kick if he goes in? Is there?
[00:34:57] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:34:57] Speaker A: He needs to create a light.
A light source. He'll do that with some kind of spell that he has.
[00:35:06] Speaker B: Adam's like, I'm playing PFD right now.
[00:35:10] Speaker C: Some kind of spell.
[00:35:12] Speaker B: Do you have a spell that makes light, Roscoe?
[00:35:15] Speaker A: I'm reasonably sure that I do, yes. I just need to.
[00:35:18] Speaker B: She's like, I go to my terrarium, and I pull out a flashlight.
[00:35:22] Speaker C: Hey, there's lots of terrariums in here, though. Maybe Roscoe has a terrarium.
[00:35:28] Speaker A: He has a circarium.
[00:35:30] Speaker C: Oh, circus circarium. Circus, yes.
[00:35:32] Speaker D: Oh, man, I totally bit that one.
[00:35:36] Speaker A: He's got prestidigitation. That does.
[00:35:39] Speaker C: It can make, like, some lights, I think.
Yeah. Unfortunately, it's not like.
[00:35:45] Speaker B: Like a fountain of sparks or something. Yeah, but not like a persistent light source.
[00:35:52] Speaker C: You've used, like, fairy fire before. But I think that's for. That's for fighting, right?
[00:35:57] Speaker B: It's for fairy fires for fighting.
[00:36:01] Speaker C: Five for fighting. Fairy fires for fighting.
[00:36:03] Speaker B: You got it.
[00:36:04] Speaker A: What about druidcraft? You create a tiny, harmless sensory effect that predicts what? I do not understand the purpose of a spell that predicts what? The weather will be at your location for the next 24 hours.
[00:36:21] Speaker B: Abby has one of those.
[00:36:22] Speaker D: I love it.
[00:36:24] Speaker A: The effect might manifest as a golden orb for clear skies. This is just a forecast.
[00:36:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:31] Speaker D: This is what I should have named my weather station. I should have called it druid craft or.
[00:36:35] Speaker A: Oh, no, that's.
[00:36:36] Speaker C: Maybe that's why you create a tiny, harmless sensory. It's like prosthodigitation. It's like that.
[00:36:42] Speaker B: Yeah, but except.
[00:36:42] Speaker A: Or you instantly light or snuff out a candle, a torch, or a small campfire.
[00:36:47] Speaker C: Yeah, exactly.
[00:36:48] Speaker B: You see the shadowy outline of a candle on a table nearby.
[00:36:55] Speaker A: I get the candle.
[00:36:56] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:36:56] Speaker A: And I light it with druid crafts.
[00:36:58] Speaker B: Okay. Poof. All right. A warm.
Hey, are you.
[00:37:04] Speaker A: Hey.
Poison.
[00:37:07] Speaker B: All right, so you can see with the light of the candle that the. This person is certainly dressed in kicks clothes.
That's for sure. They've got the big floppy hat on their head, though, so you can't really see their face.
[00:37:19] Speaker A: Do I see darts in the body?
[00:37:23] Speaker B: You'd have to do like, a. Give me an investigation or.
[00:37:27] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna investigate. I'm gonna investigation or like medicine. I know this person conscious.
[00:37:35] Speaker B: Well, you know, they're laying there. I mean, if you want to find out if they're dead, that's a medicine.
[00:37:41] Speaker A: Let's do investigation first.
Oh, five investigation.
[00:37:49] Speaker B: Okay. You don't find any darts, but you do with a five. You're able to see that if you tip the hat up a little bit, you see that this person is. And looks like bathwack.
[00:38:01] Speaker C: Oh, what?
[00:38:03] Speaker D: No longer, like, because of this.
[00:38:05] Speaker A: Right.
[00:38:05] Speaker D: Because he got hurt. I think I was expecting that.
[00:38:09] Speaker A: Hey.
He tries to wake him up, he tries to shake him awake, and if he doesn't wake up, he'll.
[00:38:17] Speaker B: He doesn't immediately rouse. No.
[00:38:19] Speaker A: All right, Roscoe's officially consigned. Oh, and I'll try a medicine check to see.
[00:38:27] Speaker C: Did you. I have a question. Did you close the door when you went in this room, or did you say that. Okay, good.
[00:38:33] Speaker A: I would have closed it behind the outside.
[00:38:35] Speaker C: I just realized that if I'm making a knocking sound, I'm worried that if they open the door, they'll just open the door and see you in there.
[00:38:43] Speaker B: Yes, that's why I was. That's why I switched when I did. Because whatever happens, this might.
[00:38:48] Speaker C: All right, well, yes. Okay. I can still. Yes. I still don't know what's going on out there, so.
[00:38:52] Speaker E: I know.
[00:38:52] Speaker B: I'm not saying you're. Yeah. Metagaming or not.
[00:38:54] Speaker C: Yeah, No.
[00:38:55] Speaker B: I was just curious for the continuity of the reality we're living in.
All right. With a 16, he is not dead. He is either asleep or unconscious. And you do find there is a trio of darts sticking out of his left hip.
[00:39:16] Speaker A: All right.
Roscoe's thinking he's about to take the darts out, and then he's not gonna.
[00:39:29] Speaker B: Do you think.
[00:39:30] Speaker C: Are you gonna frame him or something?
[00:39:31] Speaker B: You have to pee on it first.
[00:39:33] Speaker E: What?
[00:39:34] Speaker B: The darts.
[00:39:34] Speaker A: Oh, the wound.
[00:39:35] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:39:35] Speaker C: Nice.
[00:39:37] Speaker B: No. Yeah.
[00:39:38] Speaker A: I'm thinking about, like, dragging him out into the hallway.
[00:39:41] Speaker C: Ah, you should see, it happened again. That's what I would do. Hell yeah.
[00:39:45] Speaker B: Hell, yeah.
I will remind you, he looks like Batman.
[00:39:50] Speaker C: That's true.
[00:39:51] Speaker A: So Rosco's going to take the darts out, I guess, and cast. He's. He's done this a couple times now, so he's. He's used to doing it.
Balm of the summer court.
[00:40:09] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:40:10] Speaker A: On Rasca or on bathwag self.
[00:40:13] Speaker B: It's too stressful.
[00:40:14] Speaker A: So I choose an ally. And the number of those dice. Equal to.
Yeah. Half my druid level.
So I roll it a D6.
[00:40:29] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:40:31] Speaker A: 5 HP.
[00:40:33] Speaker C: Nice.
[00:40:34] Speaker B: So you give him 5 hit points. All right. Now, bathwack, are you with me?
[00:40:48] Speaker E: Yes.
[00:40:49] Speaker B: All right.
[00:40:49] Speaker E: No, I'm asleep.
[00:40:51] Speaker B: So you walk through the door and you got these darts and you just fell out. Fell cold, face down onto the ground.
Bathwack.
You find yourself standing in the middle of a long, long hallway.
[00:41:11] Speaker C: Ooh.
[00:41:14] Speaker B: Now, this hallway looks mostly familiar to you.
You think you are in a hall, or at least a hall in the style of a hall.
[00:41:31] Speaker C: A hall in the style of a hall. You guys.
[00:41:33] Speaker B: A hall in the style of a hall.
[00:41:35] Speaker C: From.
In the style of a halls throw.
[00:41:44] Speaker D: Pass around the mountain. Pass around them.
[00:41:47] Speaker B: Yeah. Write a song about this one, Abby. Go for it.
[00:41:49] Speaker C: All in the style of a hall.
[00:41:52] Speaker D: It's because we like you.
[00:41:54] Speaker C: I know.
[00:41:54] Speaker B: I'm not offended.
Don't. Don't rub my leg like I'm offended. Is it. It's rub my leg for other reasons.
[00:42:03] Speaker E: H A U L Hall.
[00:42:05] Speaker C: It's a hall.
[00:42:06] Speaker E: It's a hall of fish.
[00:42:08] Speaker B: It's a hall in the style of a hall and oats song.
[00:42:11] Speaker A: We're on a boat. It's a hull H U L L. Oh, yes.
[00:42:17] Speaker B: All right, enough. You. Nothing.
[00:42:19] Speaker A: Sorry.
[00:42:19] Speaker C: A hall in the style of a hall.
[00:42:21] Speaker B: A hall in the style of a hall.
[00:42:23] Speaker E: The hallway of the boat.
[00:42:26] Speaker B: A hall from the royal palace of Gully's End you could recognize. It's the same sort of carved stone walls, floors, ceiling, carved out of the cliff sides of the Gully's End.
The physics of the hall are strange because it's this straight, long hallway that goes on almost, maybe seems like forever in both directions.
And also the decorations, the adornments in the hall are different than you remember.
You're used to these sort of like muted color, not somber, but just sort of calm, peaceful. Like wall hangings and things like that.
These walls are festooned with these garish reds and yellows. And the hall is just lined with doors on both sides in both directions.
[00:43:26] Speaker E: I must be dreaming.
[00:43:30] Speaker B: You don't remember being shot with darts. You can't really remember what happened before. You just know you're here.
[00:43:37] Speaker E: I was looking for something.
Does the hallway go on? I mean, can I see the end of it?
[00:43:48] Speaker B: No.
It's relatively well lit. There's sconces on. On both sides. It just seems like it's Far.
[00:43:58] Speaker D: And doors on both sides, you said?
[00:44:00] Speaker B: Yeah, like doors lining both. Both walls of the hall in the style of a hall.
[00:44:05] Speaker E: I think I was trying to find something.
I've been.
When was I here?
Everything's different.
I'm gonna open the first door.
[00:44:20] Speaker B: All right. You go up to the door to try to open it, and there's not even a knob to grab the door. It's like. It's almost like it's painted into the rock wall. It's like a. It's. You don't see any paint. It's just like. As you get close, it's like an optical illusion that resolves itself self. And it's just a rock face that looks like a door vaguely from this close up. Oh.
[00:44:51] Speaker E: All right. I am not. I'm not deterred. I was looking for something.
I'm going to go to the next door.
[00:44:57] Speaker B: Okay, this one, same thing. It's just a surface.
And you can keep going. Door, door, door, surface, surface, surface. And you can. You keep going down the hallway. All the doors are not doors.
As you're going, you feel like you're noticing you hear some, like, loud noises. Like, usually the hallways in Gully's End, especially in the palace, are very, very quiet, very still. You hear like there's some noise, like as if it's maybe outside something happening. Like, not necessarily bad, just noisy. You can't really make out what it is. Just off in the distance, you keep going. The doors continue. And as you're going, you're not sure how long this has been going, if it's been like a minute or five minutes or an hour. But as you're going, you realize that the torches, the sconces in the wall are starting to gutter a little bit. The light's getting a little dimmer. And if you look back the way you came, you can see, like off in the distance, some of the torches where you were are starting to actually go out.
[00:46:07] Speaker E: Oh, I'm gonna.
I always carry a torch. I'm gonna get one out of my pack.
[00:46:13] Speaker B: Okay, you. You get one out of your pack and you try to light it, and you try and try, and you can't light it. You even stick it up to a torch, it just will not light.
[00:46:28] Speaker E: Oh, I.
I know magic.
I'm gonna try to. Crap. Who knows what? Who knows what? I know. I feel like if I say a prayer, something will light up.
I have a sword, don't I? I feel around for my sword. I must have a sword.
[00:46:52] Speaker B: You have your sword. It's bigger than you remember.
[00:46:57] Speaker E: Sounds like that in dreams.
[00:47:02] Speaker B: Ideally.
[00:47:07] Speaker E: Yeah. So, I don't know. I'm gonna say whatever prayer seems natural.
[00:47:13] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:47:16] Speaker E: I'm trying to make my sword glow.
[00:47:19] Speaker B: Right. So you make this prayer, try to invoke this holy energy. And from the hand not holding the sword, a bolt of energy that you recognize that's an eldritch blast shoots out and crashes into one of the torches and completely disintegrates it. And the hallway is even darker than it was before.
[00:47:41] Speaker E: Oh, I'm horrified.
[00:47:42] Speaker B: And you feel like the darkness is encroaching from behind.
[00:47:47] Speaker E: This doesn't feel right.
This reminds me of something.
Did I kill somebody?
I need to keep walking.
I need to leave. I can't.
I'm not finding what I'm looking for here.
[00:48:04] Speaker B: Yeah. So with that thought to leave, you turn away from sort of the approaching darkness and almost right in front of you. Like this was not there before, but it suddenly is there. And it makes sense. But it must have been there or it is there now. And that's just the way it is. It's these massive set of double doors which you recognize as the doors to the throne room in the palace, but they're like 10 times bigger than the already massive doors that you remember.
[00:48:36] Speaker E: Oh, I can't. The palace, they'll kill me.
I can't be here.
[00:48:42] Speaker B: And as you think that the doors start to swing open away from you into the, into the room beyond.
[00:48:55] Speaker E: Now, I. I mean, I want to go the other way.
And I feel like we need to leave, like my whole family, we need to leave now.
[00:49:10] Speaker B: And so you think of your family and the door opens and you see the throne room beyond as you remember it, still festooned with these garish colors. And there's these lights that are all these riotous and almost neon colored torches flickering and illuminating the room in almost this strobe like pattern. And you see at the far end of the room stands the throne. And there is a figure seated in the throne.
It's a massive figure ensconced in full plate armor.
And on either side of the throne there's two seats, one on either side.
And each of them, in each of them sits two figures, mostly in shadow, with bowed heads, but they are of the size and dressed in clothes in which you've. You remember seeing your wife and child.
[00:50:12] Speaker E: Oh, and then I have a feeling like maybe I need to look different.
Maybe I'll pretend I am someone else since I shouldn't be here and I can't give myself away. Maybe I look like a fisherman.
[00:50:40] Speaker B: Okay, all right. So, yeah, you look down and you are wearing sandals and the most boring pants you've ever seen. You see a melange of buttons and with various deep pockets.
You feel a hat almost plop down on top of your head. And you can see the snout protrude from in front of your eyes.
[00:51:08] Speaker E: But of course. Well, anyway, Alex is concerned, but this is what Bathok would do. Yeah, like if.
If I'm trying to hide from anyone who's powerful enough to get into my dreams that I'm hosed.
But anyway, yeah, all right, so maybe I can approach this way they won't know who I am.
[00:51:29] Speaker B: Okay, so you start to approach the throne, and the plated, the armored figure begins to laugh. There's a deep, booming laugh.
[00:51:48] Speaker E: Do I recognize the laugh?
[00:51:51] Speaker C: It's Bowser from Mario 64.
[00:51:53] Speaker B: What?
[00:51:53] Speaker C: It's Bowser from Mario 64.
[00:51:59] Speaker B: So long, King Bowser.
[00:52:01] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:52:06] Speaker B: Hey everyone. If you like what you hear, please leave us a kind review wherever you listen to us. Also consider supporting us by subscribing to us on ko [email protected] supportpfd where you can gain access to lots of exclusive treats and behind the scenes goodies. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next time.
