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Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: You're listening to the show about not yucking my om.
It's pork fried dice.
I'm Eric, and I'm the dungeon master.
[00:00:24] Speaker B: I'm Abby, and I play Rufina.
[00:00:27] Speaker A: I'm Alex and I play batweak.
[00:00:30] Speaker C: I'm kt and I play will.
[00:00:34] Speaker D: I'm Adam and I play Roscoe.
[00:00:39] Speaker A: Hold on to your haversacks. Let's roll.
Are we supposed to be looking out for this bird? What happened? Like, is this. Do we actually.
The rest of us. Do we need to care at all?
[00:00:54] Speaker B: Yes. Well, I think that we should at least encounter this bird, if we can, and clarify what happened, because Roscoe says that this bird knows that pathwack isn't dead.
[00:01:09] Speaker A: Oh, fuck. Did he spill the beans?
[00:01:12] Speaker B: Well, it was unclear. Roscoe was a little unclear. He said he thought that maybe he had told the bird, but that also the bird seemed to already know, which is why it's a God and blah, blah, blah.
[00:01:28] Speaker A: Sounds like a Roscoe line.
[00:01:31] Speaker B: Yes.
All right, so let's go. Oh, wait, no, we're not going. We're gonna play some games, right?
[00:01:37] Speaker A: Well, I mean, like, do we look at.
Should we just look for birds or.
[00:01:47] Speaker B: Okay, just keep an eye out.
[00:01:51] Speaker E: Oh, picture a fish shaped like an albatross.
[00:01:56] Speaker A: Just cast your lime.
[00:01:58] Speaker B: Try that, Alasa.
[00:02:00] Speaker C: Amazing.
The rest of this game is just bathrock. Needs to think of the next thing that he needs. I throw my fishing line, and I think of a fish that shaped like 10 million diamonds. Nobody will ever die again.
I fish for food, for the world. I've solved world hunger pictures.
[00:02:23] Speaker A: Tivoli, it says, will hold onto this.
[00:02:28] Speaker C: Amazing. Yes.
[00:02:33] Speaker B: While they're setting up the games, do we want to go to Roscoe's room and see if the bird is there?
[00:02:38] Speaker A: All right. I mean, we can come back up, right? Sure.
[00:02:43] Speaker C: As soon as Rafina.
[00:02:45] Speaker A: I'm sure the captain will wait for you. Rafina, things aren't going to start without you. I know that.
[00:02:50] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:02:51] Speaker A: Plus, we're the only ones that seem to be interested.
[00:02:56] Speaker B: It's a little sad. Maybe we should also try to recruit more players, because clearly he went to a tiny bit of trouble for this.
[00:03:03] Speaker D: As you walk away from the cave.
[00:03:05] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:07] Speaker B: Brb.
[00:03:08] Speaker A: You all disappear. He turns around. All right, so.
[00:03:13] Speaker B: Afk.
[00:03:14] Speaker C: Sorry.
[00:03:15] Speaker D: The gentle lapping of waves against.
[00:03:20] Speaker A: A giant bird just lands on the deck.
[00:03:27] Speaker D: Not now, the traus.
[00:03:32] Speaker A: All right, so you guys head down the stairs towards Roscoe's room, and maybe you head down the other way. And so you guys all kind of meet, because your conversation up there lasted about as long as Roscoe's. And wills will say, nobody time it. There's no way to time it.
[00:03:51] Speaker C: There's no way to do it.
[00:03:52] Speaker A: It's all on the path. Nobody knows. Um, and now every wiki will have the length of each conversation. Just.
Sorry. Sorry, Mark.
So you guys encounter the albatross hunters. Um, as they're getting near the room.
[00:04:14] Speaker D: Near Roswell, we'll shush rufina and. And wave at them to stay back.
[00:04:21] Speaker B: What's happening?
[00:04:21] Speaker D: Because we're maintaining our distance as Sean approaches the room.
[00:04:24] Speaker B: Is it in there?
[00:04:26] Speaker D: I just gotta look.
[00:04:27] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:04:29] Speaker B: Does he have a net?
[00:04:33] Speaker D: I don't know.
[00:04:35] Speaker A: He doesn't appear to be holding a net. He seems unarmed.
He looks over and he sees the rest of you. He says, all right, if this bird is in here, we've got it cornered now. I'm gonna go in there and do my thing, and soon you'll have a bird free room, and I'll have a talking bird.
All right.
[00:05:01] Speaker C: What did you do? Did you sell that God?
[00:05:05] Speaker A: Did you sell a God?
All right. And he gestures. He keeps his eyes firmly on the door. He has one hand on the doorknob, and it was the other hand. He signals one, but he doesn't say anything silently. But I have to say it because it's a podcast.
[00:05:22] Speaker C: It's true.
[00:05:23] Speaker A: One, two, three. And he jerks open the door and dives in, like, with a roll.
Yeah, he's holding a roll, casually eating it.
He's done this a million times, guys. He's fine.
Um.
Oh, oh, oh.
And he steps back out of the room. He says, well, if there was a bird in there.
Well, let's say you could tell there was.
[00:06:03] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:06:04] Speaker A: But it ain't there anymore.
[00:06:07] Speaker B: Pooped and run.
[00:06:11] Speaker C: Oh, man. Is there really poop in there? I go over and look. I go over and look.
[00:06:16] Speaker A: All right. Yeah, there's bird shit all over the place. Whoa.
[00:06:19] Speaker C: Like, more than Roscoe observed?
[00:06:21] Speaker A: There's just more than he observed.
[00:06:23] Speaker C: Well, I mean, Roscoe was in there with the bird, did the bird shit the whole time.
[00:06:26] Speaker D: I don't think Roscoe remembers seeing any bird shit.
Roscoe looks, and he's like, that fucking bastard.
[00:06:36] Speaker B: But if it's God poop, it probably smells really good.
[00:06:39] Speaker A: You could smell it.
[00:06:40] Speaker D: We could use this for, like, holy, holy feces.
[00:06:49] Speaker B: Maybe there's a scavenger hunt as part of one of the games. And this is an item. We should really collect some of this and bring it with us.
[00:06:55] Speaker C: Rafina.
[00:06:56] Speaker D: Yeah? Why don't you collect a bunch of this and go take it to your boyfriend.
[00:07:02] Speaker B: What do you mean by that? Roscoe, I'm getting a little tired of your insinuations.
[00:07:12] Speaker D: Roscoe looks around.
[00:07:16] Speaker B: That's what I thought. Toodle oo. When she spins on her heel.
[00:07:20] Speaker D: No, wait. You forgot the buried shit.
[00:07:27] Speaker C: In the saddest fantastic.
[00:07:29] Speaker B: As she walks away, she says, it's on the bottom of my show.
[00:07:35] Speaker C: Ooh. All right. Oh, man. So, like, it looks like it's vengeful poop, huh? There's just poop everywhere.
[00:07:41] Speaker A: It's a lot vengeful.
[00:07:42] Speaker C: Roscoe, you weren't lying or there's just a bunch of bird shit in your room?
What were you doing in here, Roscoe?
[00:07:51] Speaker D: This is not me. This was not me. I know what my poop looks like. My poop is 80% mustard. This is some other shit.
[00:08:00] Speaker C: But what. But why?
[00:08:01] Speaker A: Same consistency, different color.
[00:08:03] Speaker C: Did it shit the whole time you were in here? Like, why were you not more concerned with just getting it out of the room?
[00:08:08] Speaker D: It was not shitting. This wasn't here when I was here. The boy wasn't shitting. It was just shit talking. It took its shit talk and turned it into shit shit.
And I'm here to say, I challenge you.
Cross albatross.
We're gonna have a fight tonight on the bub of the deck. Me voices you wherever you are, and you will.
You will suffer for this.
[00:08:44] Speaker C: Will's like, is that really what he says?
[00:08:48] Speaker A: I think so.
[00:08:51] Speaker D: Roscoe's a pro wrestler now?
[00:08:55] Speaker C: Did he. Did. Is he looking nervous while he says that? Like, is he looking like it's a fake?
[00:09:00] Speaker D: No, Roscoe's livid. He's livid that the birds.
[00:09:03] Speaker A: Because where's he gonna.
[00:09:03] Speaker D: Where am I gonna sleep now?
[00:09:07] Speaker C: I can clean it. I can clean it. But I. Like. Cause, I mean, say that or nothing. I'll just go. I mean, how disgusting is it? How much poop?
[00:09:15] Speaker A: It's a lot. You're not gonna be able to hear that. It's a lot.
[00:09:21] Speaker C: Well, do I now even want to go in there? I mean, also, isn't there a turndown service? Can't they turn the poop down in this room?
[00:09:28] Speaker B: A poop down service?
[00:09:30] Speaker A: Just place a mint in the center of one of the piles.
[00:09:36] Speaker C: Yeah. Like, before I volunteer, I'm like, where's. There must be maids, right?
[00:09:42] Speaker D: Oh, it doesn't even matter anymore. Even if it did get cleaned through magic or non magical means. This is the principle of the thing that Boyd talked so much shit saying that gods don't hurt mortals and that everything's fine. Everything's. Everything's easy peasy, lemon squeezy. But I will. I stand it no more. I will stand it no more. Is that right?
[00:10:14] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:10:16] Speaker D: I will stand it no more.
I can't stand it anymore.
[00:10:21] Speaker B: Well, there it is.
[00:10:22] Speaker D: I will not stand for this. I will not stand for this anymore.
[00:10:26] Speaker A: I like first one. First one sound better?
[00:10:29] Speaker D: He slips on some bird shit.
[00:10:35] Speaker C: Wait, like, are you just talking shit about a bird because the bird isn't here? Cause you seemed really scared before.
[00:10:41] Speaker D: Yep, I was scared, and I'm still scared. But now I'm mad and scared, too. And that makes me more dangerous than this boy could possibly imagine.
[00:11:00] Speaker A: So am I to gather that you set me in here to fight a God.
[00:11:07] Speaker C: Oh, shit. He's still there. That guy's still there. I guess.
[00:11:12] Speaker D: I mean, Roscoe would have said everything that he said anyway, because Rascoe's incensed.
[00:11:17] Speaker C: I don't know. I just heard it.
[00:11:18] Speaker A: Right? That wasn't the deal that we set up. I just was told it was a talking bird.
[00:11:23] Speaker C: I just was. All I heard was that a talking bird? I didn't know it was a goddess.
[00:11:28] Speaker D: It talked about gods.
I don't. I don't believe it is a God.
So as far as I knew, the self professed atheist, you were just coming after a bird?
[00:11:47] Speaker A: Well, all I can say is I was never here and he leaves.
[00:11:56] Speaker C: Is he scared of the God? Like, does it seem like he believes in the bird God?
[00:12:00] Speaker A: Seems like he doesn't want to have been associated with trying to capture a God bird.
[00:12:08] Speaker C: Okay, so now we actually do potentially have to worry about information being spread. What do we do? Are we prepared to just kill everyone in the ship eventually?
Look around. Is anyone here not in the party? Cuz I can't remember. Who else is here? Nara's presumably in his bedroom.
[00:12:27] Speaker A: Nar's not there.
[00:12:29] Speaker C: So is it just us and she?
[00:12:31] Speaker A: Me, she, me and mo.
Yeah. I don't know how far.
[00:12:36] Speaker B: Sort of flounced out, but I know.
[00:12:38] Speaker E: I'm up on deck.
[00:12:39] Speaker A: Oh, you didn't go.
[00:12:39] Speaker B: You didn't come down with us?
[00:12:41] Speaker E: No, no, no.
[00:12:42] Speaker C: Okay, so it's just Roscoe, me and Shimi.
[00:12:45] Speaker E: I need. I can't just be hanging out with you guys.
[00:12:47] Speaker C: Like, I. Yeah, I suppose that's cute.
[00:12:52] Speaker E: Not all the time, anyway.
[00:12:53] Speaker D: And Rafina left. Is that.
[00:12:55] Speaker B: Yeah, I kind of flounced out. I'm not far. I sort of stopped in the hallway and was hovering because I was curious.
[00:13:01] Speaker C: About the outcome I am going to cast. I know what I'll do because I don't want to, like, make a big deal about sneaking around the ship and maybe drawing attention to something weird going on. I'm going to cast unseen servant and ask it to, like, patrol the halls and see if it sees a bird.
[00:13:26] Speaker A: Okay, what are the rules on that spell?
[00:13:31] Speaker C: It creates an invisible, mindless. Oh, mindless, shapeless force that performs simple tasks at your command. I don't know. Can a patrol be a simple task? Simple task? The servant springs into existence in an unoccupied pied space on the ground within range. It has Ac ten one hit point strength of two. It can't attack if it drops. Zero hit points. The spell ends once on each of your turns. As a bonus action, you can mentally command the servant to move up to 15ft and interact with an object. So I have to be able to tell it. That's not how it works, I guess.
[00:14:03] Speaker A: I don't think it can communicate with you.
[00:14:05] Speaker C: The servant can perform well, can it not? Like, come back and get me. Like, go through the hallways, see if you see a bird, come tap me on the leg if you do.
[00:14:14] Speaker A: Okay?
[00:14:15] Speaker C: Is that a fair enough easy task? Let me just see. The servant can perform simple tasks that a human servant could do, such as fetching things, cleaning, mending, folding clothes, lighting fires, serving, pouring wine. Once you give the command, the servant performs the task to the best of its ability until it completes the task, then waits for your next command. If you command the servant to perform a task that would move it more than 60ft away from you, the spell ends. So never mind. F my idea. Although, like, I mean, how big is this boat? Is it 60ft long? Yeah, it's gotta be more like, yeah, no, but more like how.
[00:14:52] Speaker A: How tall you're up on deck. You just have to walk.
[00:14:55] Speaker C: That's what I'm saying. Like, can I walk? How many levels do I think there are?
[00:15:00] Speaker A: As long it's not 60ft tall. I don't think I. So you could.
[00:15:06] Speaker C: So I could walk around deck and just ask it to look for a bird while we engage the other people because the captain's up there.
Shonen goes. Going to play games, I guess. I don't know if there's any other guests except for that lady with the invention or something, so.
[00:15:24] Speaker A: And then crew.
[00:15:26] Speaker C: Oh, and crew. Crap. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if this is a good idea. Maybe it's not a good idea.
[00:15:32] Speaker D: I don't think. I don't think we need to look for this thing. I think that it will come and find us.
[00:15:40] Speaker C: Roscoe, I'm worried about you. Are. You are missing the big deal. That is, if it tells. Okay, well, you know what? I'm okay with throwing people overboard. I don't know if you are. And looks at she me, he looks at she me with a steely gaze. Because he gave him a shitty present. I've got to talk to you about that at some point. I don't say it out loud, but I look at Shemi like he's in on it. I'm okay with throwing people overboard, but the thing is, the more people know about his highness, the more of a problem we're gonna have. Probably.
[00:16:20] Speaker A: True.
[00:16:22] Speaker D: That's why I fully intend upon seeing this boy. The next time I see him, I'm all killed.
[00:16:35] Speaker C: All right, well, let's see if you can do that alone without upsetting people who might actually believe in a bird God. This is going to be very interesting.
How much can this bird like? What is this bird God's powers? What if it can spread this information?
Oh, my God. We got to capture this bird God. I didn't think we were going to have to capture a bird goddess. We're gonna have to capture the bird God to prevent information from spreading. Great, great.
[00:17:04] Speaker D: It's like the avian flu all over again.
[00:17:09] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:10] Speaker B: Spreading information.
[00:17:13] Speaker C: Hmm.
Okay, well, yeah.
[00:17:19] Speaker B: Rufina pops in the door. Roscoe, what makes you think that this bird had malicious intentions?
[00:17:32] Speaker D: And he motions toward his room.
He just sticks his arm out.
Absolve.
[00:17:42] Speaker C: Yeah. Will goes like this. Like, he kind of grimaces and nods.
[00:17:46] Speaker B: It's just poop.
[00:17:49] Speaker C: What? That's a lot of poop. That is a lot of poop.
If I wanted to maliciously poop, that is precisely amount of poop I would poop to if I were a bird.
[00:18:00] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:18:00] Speaker B: Have you thought this through?
[00:18:01] Speaker A: If they were, like, just, like, a little bit less, it wouldn't have been malicious.
[00:18:05] Speaker C: I don't. You know what? Probably. Yeah, that's my scientific observation.
[00:18:11] Speaker B: Well, okay. I just like to not have to throw everyone off this cruise ship before we get to where we need to go.
[00:18:19] Speaker C: We might have to kill a lot of people before we get to where we need to go.
[00:18:23] Speaker B: Well, I have a rafting license, but I do not have a cruise ship license, and that could be a problem if I'm the only one left to commandeer this boat.
[00:18:37] Speaker C: Right.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: Crap.
[00:18:40] Speaker C: Well, that's why I'm saying we need to catch the bird. So what are we gonna do? We either lock. Let's go play games. Oh, no.
Can somebody go and look for a bird? She. Me.
[00:18:54] Speaker D: We don't.
For the boy. Let's all go upstairs and play games. And if the boy can hear me, we'll see you up there for the most dangerous game of all.
Me.
[00:19:13] Speaker A: Did, um. Did bird just appear in room? How did it get in room?
[00:19:19] Speaker D: Oh, I let it in.
[00:19:22] Speaker C: Roscoe, why did you let a bird in your room?
[00:19:26] Speaker D: I was high as fuck.
[00:19:28] Speaker A: Okay, uh, well, so do we think the bird is in the ship?
[00:19:36] Speaker C: I don't know. It was in the room. Is the window still open?
[00:19:40] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:19:40] Speaker C: Oh, the window is open, and the door was closed.
Roscoe, you seem to think it was chasing you. So did it get out of the room or did it fly? Did it shit all over your room and then fly out the window?
[00:19:54] Speaker D: Oh, no. I don't know if it actually chased me. I was kind of fueled by my own manic intoxication at that point.
[00:20:11] Speaker C: Okay, I still think. Shimi, you can run around the halls and look like a child, just exploring. Go see if the bird is anywhere. All right.
[00:20:18] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:20:18] Speaker C: Shimi.
[00:20:19] Speaker B: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'm just gonna try to speak with the animals and see if I can talk to this God. I don't know if I can, because it's a God and not an animal, but maybe it's also an animal and a God. I don't know.
[00:20:35] Speaker C: And she goes, actually, albatross sounds. I just like the image of Rafina casting a spell and squawking like some kind of bird. I wonder what it do you think it sounds like a gull.
[00:20:48] Speaker A: That would be my guess.
[00:20:49] Speaker C: I would have no idea.
[00:20:50] Speaker B: Yeah, it must, right?
[00:20:52] Speaker C: Because it looks like one. It looks like a huge seagull.
[00:20:55] Speaker A: That's racist.
[00:20:56] Speaker C: No, it's not. Virtus speciesist albatross sound.
[00:21:02] Speaker B: So rafina cast.
[00:21:04] Speaker A: I mean, I'll play it so it's on the recording in case you want to have it. Albatross call.
[00:21:25] Speaker C: Oh, they're, like, flapping their beaks.
[00:21:33] Speaker A: All right.
[00:21:34] Speaker C: That's what she does, like a little horse.
[00:21:41] Speaker A: So you're just making albatross noises?
[00:21:45] Speaker B: I'm making albatross noises.
[00:21:47] Speaker D: Aren't you?
[00:21:48] Speaker B: Cats are freaking out.
[00:21:49] Speaker D: Aren't you saying something, though, that's coming out as albatross noises?
[00:21:52] Speaker B: Yes, yes, of course.
[00:21:54] Speaker A: You want to share that class?
[00:21:56] Speaker C: Mm hmm.
[00:21:56] Speaker B: Well, would you?
If I must.
I am asking. I'm saying cross albatross, where are you?
[00:22:09] Speaker A: Got it. Okay, you don't get any reply here in the hallway.
[00:22:15] Speaker C: Hmm.
[00:22:17] Speaker B: Not getting anything. Guys, let's go up to the games, and I can try again.
[00:22:22] Speaker A: You know, I can look around. I mean, I could, you know, sneak about, see what information I can glean.
[00:22:30] Speaker B: Okay, but be fast, because there's a lot of games up there and not a lot of people to play.
[00:22:38] Speaker A: All right? So that means more likely we'll get the prizes.
[00:22:42] Speaker B: Well, that's a good point. Do the raffle.
[00:22:48] Speaker C: Don't steal anything. Don't go into people's rooms. Don't go into places you're not supposed to. Just look in the fucking hallway where a fucking bird might be fucking walking around. All right, all right.
She me.
[00:23:02] Speaker A: You got it, boss.
[00:23:05] Speaker C: I'd make that noise.
[00:23:07] Speaker A: It's good noise.
[00:23:10] Speaker C: All right, let's go play games.
[00:23:14] Speaker A: All right.
[00:23:15] Speaker D: Roscoe's, like, ten steps ahead. He's marching up to the deck, ready to meet his enemy in game battle.
[00:23:28] Speaker A: Games are kind of like a carnival.
[00:23:31] Speaker D: Shut the fuck up, Eric, says Roscoe under his breath.
[00:23:38] Speaker A: All right, so you all head back up on deck. By the way, I realized I never played this at the start.
[00:23:46] Speaker B: Really?
[00:23:47] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:23:49] Speaker A: No, I just said. Previously on Pork Fried Dice. No, it's.
[00:23:52] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh.
[00:23:54] Speaker D: This is like, one of those episodes of Prestige TV where the first 40 minutes of the episode happen and then, like, the title screen.
[00:24:02] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:24:04] Speaker C: Whoa.
[00:24:06] Speaker B: That always freaks me out.
[00:24:08] Speaker D: Some other shows have done that, so. Is really cool.
[00:24:10] Speaker C: Wow. We're so cool, you guys. Holy shit.
That's amazing.
[00:24:16] Speaker A: Prestige podcast that.
[00:24:18] Speaker C: You thought of that?
[00:24:20] Speaker A: Yes, I can.
[00:24:21] Speaker C: Another tier. We're good.
[00:24:24] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:24:25] Speaker A: All right. Energy. So you guys are headed back up on deck to play some games.
And you get back up there and you see. Well, kick has already seen this. The course is fully, fully set up. The captain has made his way back towards where you guys came up above deck. I guess there are steps up from where you guys are, so you probably just went up that way. You don't have to go all the way back to the back of the ship. It doesn't matter. You all. You all get up there, and he is happy to see you all. It's just kick and Sean up there, just standing there awkwardly, I'm assuming. But I guess, kik, you could have something to say about that if that's not the case.
[00:25:16] Speaker E: Oh, no, that's definitely the case.
[00:25:18] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:25:18] Speaker D: Cool.
[00:25:21] Speaker A: So the captain looks relieved to see you all appear. Uh, he says, oh, you're just in time. We were about to start without you. Um, please, please gather round. So, as I said, one of the events in the first event, in fact, uh, that we will be participating in this afternoon, is a foot race. It will start with a sprint, a hard sprint from one end of the ship to the other, front to back. And then he wouldn't say front to back. He would say prow to aft. We talked about these different terms before.
[00:26:03] Speaker B: Positive. You're gonna say ass.
[00:26:07] Speaker A: Well, aft and stern both mean back, but one was inside, one was outside.
Whatever. From front to back, just to put it in terms that all of you will understand.
And then the endurance part of the race begins, where you will complete five circuits of this upper deck.
And then finally, you will face the travails of the obstacle course.
Starting from one end here, you will climb this climbing wall, you will leap over these hurdles and finally swing across this small pit here, and we will see who will be able to be crowned the winner of this contest of athletic prowess. Will all of you be participating today?
[00:27:03] Speaker C: Will looks at Rufina because, like, presumably. I mean, I guess he knows that she's good at rafting, but other than that, like, what does he think, that she's gonna run through this obstacle course? She's like a little old lady.
[00:27:16] Speaker A: You don't know how old she is.
[00:27:18] Speaker C: I know. We have no idea how old she is. It's true. But I wonder what kind of guests come on this cruise ship and do this obstacle course.
This is clearly an obstacle course for. I don't know. What kind of cruise ship is this? I love this. Amazing.
[00:27:33] Speaker B: All right, I have to change into my athletic socks. Please hold.
[00:27:41] Speaker C: You're a sports bra. Athletic side.
[00:27:43] Speaker B: My. Exactly.
[00:27:45] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:27:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:48] Speaker A: All right.
[00:27:49] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:27:49] Speaker A: You just do that on deck?
[00:27:51] Speaker B: Well, you know, when in kind of, like, I do a little unhooking from behind me, and then I just yank them off.
[00:27:58] Speaker C: Holy crap.
[00:28:00] Speaker B: And then putting them on is a little less.
What's the word?
Smooth? What's.
[00:28:09] Speaker C: There's better word?
[00:28:10] Speaker B: My brain's not working, but it takes a little, like, shimmying. And she does some spins at strategic moments when things are under things and nobody really can see anything.
[00:28:23] Speaker C: Amazing.
[00:28:25] Speaker D: Wow.
[00:28:25] Speaker A: All right. Okay. Well, I don't know if I should give extra points for that. Maybe I should.
Well, whoever will be competing, why don't you all line yourselves up here?
The first heat is again the sprint. Well, there's a short break in between each of these, and when you're all ready and set, I'll give the count, and we will begin.
[00:28:52] Speaker C: Oh, my gosh. I don't think will would do this race. I feel like such a jerk.
[00:28:59] Speaker B: You don't have time to consider it. You're just gonna do it with me. Says Rafina.
[00:29:04] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
If. If she drags him over, he might. He'll go over. Probably. But I'm not doing this race. I'm not running around a ship.
[00:29:17] Speaker B: Well, we're not doing that first. Wait, what is the first thing?
[00:29:21] Speaker C: Sprint. We sprint and then we just run for endurance.
[00:29:25] Speaker B: Yeah, the endurance is second. That's what I thought. Still sprinting, Valencio.
[00:29:30] Speaker C: Sprinting across.
[00:29:32] Speaker B: You know what happens at the end of a race? They give you orange slices. It's so great.
[00:29:39] Speaker C: I love that so much.
Like, they're just some orange slices.
[00:29:46] Speaker B: Yeah, you put them in your mouth and keep them by your cheek. And actually, that's during a race. I lied. And then you can get the, you know, the electrolytes from your orange slice while you're running. Maybe we'll get it during the endurance one.
[00:30:03] Speaker C: Holy crap.
[00:30:04] Speaker B: Orange slices.
[00:30:04] Speaker C: Let's go. Who's going near the line? Will's looking around, like, who is actually participating?
[00:30:10] Speaker A: Shemi Mo, Shawn.
Those are the ones I'm in control of. Clockface.
[00:30:19] Speaker C: Clockface is doing it.
[00:30:20] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:30:21] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh.
[00:30:22] Speaker A: Clockface. He's limbering up.
[00:30:23] Speaker B: That's unfair.
[00:30:25] Speaker C: Is Kik doing it?
[00:30:27] Speaker B: Yes. Kicked in.
[00:30:27] Speaker E: Oh, yeah. He's, um, shifting his weight from foot to foot and flopping his, um, the soles of his feet on the deck.
[00:30:39] Speaker B: Flopping his feet?
[00:30:41] Speaker E: Like, slapping them a little bit.
[00:30:42] Speaker B: Oh, okay, okay.
[00:30:44] Speaker D: Roscoe's indecisive. He doesn't, because he's. He really only wants to compete with the cross albatross.
So part of him, he's why he wants to save his energy for.
For the fight.
[00:31:01] Speaker B: The fight.
[00:31:02] Speaker D: But then he thinks, like, well, maybe I need to train. Maybe I gotta get warmed up before the big fight.
[00:31:09] Speaker A: This is your mom.
[00:31:17] Speaker D: Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should.
He sucked.
[00:31:23] Speaker A: Oh, man. Roscoe's gonna get so ripped by the end of this race.
[00:31:29] Speaker D: Yeah. Roscoe will do it as part of his training montage.
[00:31:33] Speaker C: Yay.
Oh, gosh.
[00:31:35] Speaker A: All right.
[00:31:36] Speaker C: How do I cast a spell to get out of this race? Is thinking.
[00:31:39] Speaker A: Well, eldritch blast.
[00:31:41] Speaker C: Yeah. Oh, no.
Where do those come from?
[00:31:47] Speaker A: Do you need some time?
[00:31:48] Speaker C: I'm just looking to see if I can think of it. No, you don't have to wait for me. Go ahead.
[00:31:52] Speaker B: Good way to destroy the race so that no one has to run it.
[00:31:55] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:31:56] Speaker A: All right. On your marks.
Get set.
[00:32:02] Speaker E: Kick starts running.
[00:32:03] Speaker A: Go.
[00:32:04] Speaker C: Wait, what is Rafina left behind?
[00:32:09] Speaker B: She's so startled by the fact that Kik started before he said go.
[00:32:14] Speaker C: Oh, my God, he's a cheater.
[00:32:15] Speaker A: Yeah, but he's.
[00:32:16] Speaker B: Holy.
[00:32:16] Speaker E: No, but he's running with flat, flapping feet. He's, um.
[00:32:20] Speaker B: Oh, so you think you have a handicap? She says as she jogs past him.
[00:32:24] Speaker E: No, what are you talking about?
[00:32:26] Speaker A: You're not cartwheeling.
[00:32:29] Speaker B: That was only for the staircase.
[00:32:31] Speaker A: Oh, right, right. Of course.
[00:32:32] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:33] Speaker B: It's for going uphill. Sure.
[00:32:35] Speaker A: All right.
[00:32:36] Speaker B: My gosh.
[00:32:36] Speaker A: So, anybody who's sprinting, I need an athletics check.
[00:32:40] Speaker B: Woohoo.
You know how mine go.
[00:32:43] Speaker D: I beat you all. I was the first to roll my legs. Check.
[00:32:46] Speaker C: Whoo.
[00:32:46] Speaker A: And you got a 19.
[00:32:47] Speaker B: Oh, very nice.
[00:32:51] Speaker A: Roscoe is fired up.
[00:32:54] Speaker D: Jesus Christ, Alex.
[00:32:58] Speaker C: Did you roll for me?
[00:32:59] Speaker A: I did not.
[00:33:00] Speaker C: Oh, I didn't mean to roll.
[00:33:02] Speaker A: Wait, Rufina.
[00:33:03] Speaker B: I'm lucky.
[00:33:04] Speaker A: You're lucky.
That was a natural one for Rafina.
[00:33:09] Speaker B: She trips.
[00:33:10] Speaker C: I think it's just from an earlier thing.
[00:33:12] Speaker A: I don't see yours put my athletic.
[00:33:14] Speaker C: Sonde on the wrong side. He doesn't run. He's still acting. Listen, if this guy just made a big deal about the king. Sorry, my computer's making noise. If he just made a big deal about the king and his grief, then he can't run a race and act like there's no problems in the world.
[00:33:29] Speaker A: Sure, sure. Okay.
All right, now we need some other rolls. So we've got. As it stands, the lucky ruffina immediately tripped on the.
[00:33:44] Speaker B: I put my athletic socks on the wrong feet.
[00:33:46] Speaker A: Yeah. And so you were off balance, but you tripped and started to stumble forward, and you turned it into a handspring, and you found yourself just neck and neck with Roscoe Lafleur.
Pelting. Pelting. There it is again. Down the deck here. But the flappy footage.
[00:34:06] Speaker E: No, no, no. But I'm not trying that hard.
[00:34:10] Speaker A: Hmm. Okay.
How hard are you trying?
[00:34:14] Speaker E: We got a really hard to make my feet flap on the deck.
[00:34:21] Speaker B: Interesting.
[00:34:22] Speaker D: So is this a disadvantage roll or something?
[00:34:25] Speaker A: No, he can just choose as fast as he wants. Yeah, so he realizes he doesn't want.
[00:34:31] Speaker C: To look like a total badass, right? Just a fishing badass, apparently.
[00:34:37] Speaker A: Yeah, but we all know bath wax could have won this.
[00:34:40] Speaker E: That's what I'll do. At the end. At the end, I'll just. I'll just reel in the winner.
[00:34:48] Speaker A: Right.
[00:34:48] Speaker B: Before they get to the finish line.
[00:34:50] Speaker A: And let's see.
So we've got a Sean Indigo who ends up with a 15 and clock face with a 13, and shimi with a natural 20. Oh, my God.
And Mo with a total of twelve. Mo. Poor Shelly. Moe, am I missing anybody? I don't think so.
[00:35:34] Speaker B: Mo's probably still waterlogged from all the times he jumped off the side of the boat.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: So I just need to know what you want your role to have been, basically, where are you placing in this?
[00:35:47] Speaker B: Oh, Alex.
[00:35:47] Speaker A: Yes, Alex.
[00:35:53] Speaker E: I'm running with Roscoe.
[00:35:55] Speaker A: Okay, so Shimi takes off like a bolt. He is halfway down the ship here before you can even say, wow, shimi, you're running really fast.
[00:36:10] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:36:12] Speaker A: The level eleven party members are all neck and neck with nineteen s a piece, including the foe 19 from kick bathwack.
And then we've got sean the clockface, and mo keeping up the rear.
And Shimi easily wins this section of the race. And the captain lets out a great cheer and cheers you all on as you cross the finish line.
Wow. Young boy, you've clearly got quite a pair of legs on you.
[00:36:52] Speaker C: You clearly beat this old lady.
[00:36:54] Speaker A: Congratulations and a good showing from the rest of you.
So take a moment, compose yourselves. And now we've got the. Maybe the more grueling test ahead. The endurance test. We will again, as I said, execute five laps around this boat, and then you will be able to gear yourself up for the final test. The obstacle course.
[00:37:25] Speaker D: Rascoe stretching.
[00:37:29] Speaker A: So after a moment, you all can arrange yourselves again at the line.
And the captain says, now, if you're all ready, I will give another count and make sure to pace yourselves. This is. Again, this is a test of endurance, of stamina, not of. Just.
[00:37:51] Speaker B: When do we get the orange slices?
[00:37:54] Speaker A: Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. Rafina. What's that? The orange slices.
[00:37:59] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm used to having at the. You know, at the little check marks and on the laps, getting handed an orange slice to tuck into my. You know, into my. Between my lip and my.
[00:38:10] Speaker A: Oh, well, um. Yes. Everybody hold on.
I'll be right back. And he runs down the stairs.
[00:38:19] Speaker B: Should we time him? Look at him go.
[00:38:23] Speaker A: I, uh. I can't believe I beat you guys.
[00:38:27] Speaker C: Oh, that was.
[00:38:29] Speaker A: I don't know if I'm gonna be cut. Got any gas left in the tank for the.
I'm glad. Good. Good call. Rufina giving us a few extra minutes while he gets the oranges.
[00:38:45] Speaker B: You're welcome.
Definitely intentional.
[00:38:49] Speaker D: Just remember, kids, some of us weren't racing you. We were racing the clock.
[00:38:59] Speaker A: Yes, and I know that you have to save strength, even though fast part is first, you have to be ready for other part, which is long part.
[00:39:10] Speaker B: Rafine is taking a lot of deep breaths to prepare.
[00:39:13] Speaker A: Yep. Oxygenation.
And I heard, and the captain comes up and he has got a bowl with some roughly cut oranges. Looks like it was done in a hurry.
[00:39:29] Speaker C: That's so cute.
[00:39:30] Speaker A: And he says, here, I've got orange slices for any and all of you, whoever wants to have them placed in your mouth to gain benefit from the electrolytes as you're performing this next part of the race, whoever that might be, please help yourself.
[00:39:47] Speaker B: Is the only one who takes any.
[00:39:49] Speaker C: I would take some. I'll take some.
[00:39:52] Speaker D: I don't think it's fair if only some of us get orange slices, so I'm going to take one too.
[00:39:58] Speaker C: Will's still not racing. He just. He takes the orange slices, and then he goes and leans against the railing and watches them.
[00:40:04] Speaker A: Captain clockface does not take one. Shimi takes one.
Mo will take one.
[00:40:10] Speaker B: Captain clockface. I can put it in your throat for you if you want. My throat hole, we'll just flip you open.
[00:40:16] Speaker A: He shakes his head.
[00:40:19] Speaker B: Orofina gives Wills or Valencio. Here, take the bowl of the orange slices, please. And then you can be the one who hands them out when we walk by, when we run by. For each. For each layout, at least to me.
[00:40:33] Speaker C: Sure. And I just start eating them. Like, I just hold the bowl and I'm just eating the orange.
[00:40:38] Speaker B: I'm really surprised you're eating them given how many hands just reached into that bowl.
[00:40:42] Speaker C: Stop it. And then I press to digitate the bowl.
Very nice.
[00:40:47] Speaker A: Each orange fiber.
[00:40:49] Speaker C: And then I look at the captain and make sure, like, just. I wish I had a spell to detect when the last time he washed his hands was.
Can I have a spell, please? Can I try to find a spell that makes. Will be able to tell whether somebody washed their hands since the last time they went to the bathroom.
[00:41:04] Speaker A: Oh, my God. You need.
[00:41:06] Speaker C: I should have that.
[00:41:06] Speaker A: You have to take a level in health inspector.
[00:41:10] Speaker C: What other powers does this afford me?
[00:41:13] Speaker A: I don't know. I'll have to create the whole class for you.
[00:41:16] Speaker C: Health inspector.
[00:41:18] Speaker D: I like. Yeah, health inspectors. Like a modified cleric or some shit.
[00:41:23] Speaker C: That's amazing.
[00:41:24] Speaker A: Or a level in devolving mental health. One or the other.
[00:41:27] Speaker C: Probably that, too. Yeah. Half levels in both.
[00:41:32] Speaker A: All right, now, anything else that anybody needs.
He doesn't say that as sarcastically as I think that came across.
[00:41:43] Speaker C: Anything. What else?
Oh, God.
[00:41:47] Speaker E: Grapefruit slices.
[00:41:51] Speaker A: What did you say?
[00:41:56] Speaker E: Moscow mule.
[00:42:00] Speaker A: All right, again, please pace yourselves, but feel the burn. All right?
On the count of 3123, all right.
[00:42:19] Speaker B: We roll athletics again or.
[00:42:21] Speaker A: No, you don't.
[00:42:23] Speaker C: Oh, shit.
[00:42:24] Speaker A: Oh. Penalized.
No. I need everybody to give me a constitution saving throw. Oh, and I need to ask Alex. Who?
[00:42:37] Speaker E: No allies.
[00:42:37] Speaker A: Yeah, that's what I wonder.
[00:42:40] Speaker D: Oh, my gosh.
[00:42:42] Speaker B: Wild.
[00:42:43] Speaker A: So that's a nine from Rafina. A natural one from kick.
[00:42:50] Speaker B: Oh, my.
[00:42:51] Speaker C: Even though I'm not racing.
[00:42:53] Speaker A: Who?
[00:42:54] Speaker C: Not me too, right? It's not something.
[00:42:56] Speaker A: Are you racing?
[00:42:57] Speaker C: No. Okay, good. All right. I thought it sounded like you were saying something else was happening, like. No, you're eating the oranges or something.
[00:43:06] Speaker A: Well, you don't know when he last wash his hands.
Yeah, this is an E. Coli check. Oh, God. It's a ten from Roscoe. And then we've got. Let's see. So we've got shimi, clearly the dark horse here.
Wow. Bathwait has a con save of two. That's bad. But you get a bonus to that, even though it was a natural one, right?
Seven or whatever.
[00:43:38] Speaker E: It's five, but I'm not gonna take any of it.
[00:43:40] Speaker A: Okay.
All right, and then we got. So we got shimi rolls. Another.
[00:43:50] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:43:51] Speaker A: Oops. No, not that. Not that.
[00:43:58] Speaker D: Fuck Jamie.
[00:43:59] Speaker A: All right, and then we got Sean. Indigo.
He's got an eight too many shrimp on the Barbie he ate today.
We got Moe.
It's a 13.
Okay.
And clock face, ten. All right, so Shimi again just takes off like a rocket and doesn't seem to be losing pace at all.
And then.
Fuck, I'm losing track here.
[00:44:47] Speaker C: Look, I wrote them all down right here.
[00:44:49] Speaker A: Oh, thanks.
So then we got mo not quite even close to Shimi, but he seems to keep up a good pace. And then we've got sort of Roscoe, Rufina, and Shawn all in clockface and sort of a pack there. And then we've got. I guess with a natural one kick is nowhere near everybody else. He's.
Well, I guess you could read it two ways. Either he's going way too fast, or he's going way too slow.
[00:45:21] Speaker E: He gets distracted and starts. Starts fishing.
[00:45:27] Speaker A: No, no kick. The fishing competition is later. Keep running, keep running.
[00:45:32] Speaker C: You can do it.
[00:45:34] Speaker B: All right, Rafina's doing a shuffle to, like, a shuffle run to conserve her energy.
[00:45:41] Speaker A: Okay, that's good.
[00:45:43] Speaker C: Every time rufina passes whatever line there is, I don't know if you're gonna make them do a roll again. We're gonna do a few rolls, okay, because I was gonna. I was. I'll toss her an orange.
[00:45:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
All right, give me an athletics check.
[00:45:55] Speaker C: Oh, no.
[00:45:56] Speaker A: Valencio.
[00:45:57] Speaker C: Oh, my athletics check sucks. Rafina, I'm so sorry if I, like, hit you in the face or something, all right?
[00:46:03] Speaker B: It'll wake me up.
[00:46:06] Speaker C: Oh, wait. That's a disadvantage, but it's still bad. Yep, both of them are bad. I'm sorry.
[00:46:12] Speaker D: I've heard of a Valencia orange, but. A Valencia orange?
[00:46:16] Speaker B: Oh, very nice. Very nice.
[00:46:18] Speaker A: Did you google that?
[00:46:20] Speaker D: Shut up.
[00:46:23] Speaker C: Did you like. Wow.
[00:46:26] Speaker A: To confirm?
[00:46:29] Speaker C: I didn't know. Did you just randomly look up whether there are oranges? How would you make that look up if you didn't know?
[00:46:36] Speaker A: It? It does it with every word we ever say.
[00:46:40] Speaker C: It's got it filtering through an AI that. Looking for puns?
[00:46:44] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:46:45] Speaker C: Holy shit.
[00:46:46] Speaker A: All right, so, yeah, the orange just flies off the side of the boat.
[00:46:50] Speaker C: Great.
[00:46:52] Speaker A: Whoops.
[00:46:53] Speaker C: I hope I don't attract an orange fish or orange shark or something. I don't know. Just worried about my orange in the ocean. I see chumminute.
[00:47:01] Speaker A: They can smell oranges from 3 miles away.
[00:47:03] Speaker C: Maybe. Who knows what animals are out there?
[00:47:05] Speaker B: They're allergic. They're gonna get a rat.
[00:47:06] Speaker D: Maybe if it's a blood orange.
[00:47:08] Speaker C: Ooh.
[00:47:09] Speaker A: Did you google that?
[00:47:10] Speaker C: How many oranges do you know, Adam? Impress us. Okay, just keep going.
[00:47:16] Speaker B: Navel oranges.
[00:47:18] Speaker C: Navel.
[00:47:18] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:47:19] Speaker D: Aren't you glad I didn't say clementine?
[00:47:21] Speaker C: Ah.
[00:47:30] Speaker A: All right, I need another series of constitution saves.
[00:47:36] Speaker B: All right?
[00:47:38] Speaker A: And you do not have the benefit of a second orange ruffina, I'm sorry to say.
[00:47:42] Speaker C: Oh, I'm so sorry.
[00:47:44] Speaker B: Does that mean I have to roll with disadvantage?
[00:47:46] Speaker A: You can.
[00:47:47] Speaker C: You should have gotten advantage before. Oh, my God. Another.
[00:47:50] Speaker A: Another natural one from Spanakopita.
From kick.
[00:47:58] Speaker B: Maybe he. Maybe he should have to accidentally win against his will.
[00:48:03] Speaker A: Will's not racing.
[00:48:05] Speaker B: Oh. Oh, that was for will.
[00:48:07] Speaker C: I thought that was for Ken.
[00:48:08] Speaker D: He's making a joke against.
[00:48:14] Speaker B: That wasn't me. That wasn't me.
[00:48:16] Speaker A: All right, and then I pull out.
[00:48:19] Speaker E: A talking fish out of the bay, and it says, kick his bathwag.
[00:48:30] Speaker C: I love that so much.
[00:48:33] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:48:35] Speaker C: Amazing.
[00:48:37] Speaker B: The king is reincarnated.
[00:48:40] Speaker A: All right, so now shimmy is gonna try again. Let's see what you got, shimi.
A 19 plus two.
And then we've got Sean, I think, right? Wasn't he the one that he did next?
[00:48:58] Speaker C: Oh, do you have to do. You don't necessarily. I'm just writing him down.
[00:49:01] Speaker A: No, I know that.
[00:49:02] Speaker C: So you'll be able to Sean next. And then Mo.
[00:49:04] Speaker A: And then a 14.
And then Mo.
[00:49:09] Speaker C: I'll write him down.
[00:49:10] Speaker A: Got a natural one.
[00:49:14] Speaker C: You're not saving anything for anything.
Clock faces.
[00:49:19] Speaker A: We've got a 14 for clock face.
[00:49:21] Speaker C: All right, there you go. There's your order.
[00:49:23] Speaker A: Thank you so much.
Alrighty. So Roscoe, or sorry, Mo, is, while thinking he was saving his energy for this, is feeling quite winded.
He. Maybe he's not an endurance guy or.
[00:49:43] Speaker C: A speed guy or he's a stab guy.
[00:49:46] Speaker A: Right, exactly.
[00:49:47] Speaker C: There you go.
[00:49:50] Speaker A: And, Rafina, you're flagging a little bit. You were lacking. That orange, I think, is really what it comes down to.
[00:49:58] Speaker B: The citric acid is starting to wear away the enamel of my teeth. It's terrible.
[00:50:02] Speaker C: Oh, God.
[00:50:03] Speaker A: Oh, so good thing you didn't throw that.
[00:50:05] Speaker B: I don't know.
[00:50:06] Speaker C: Maybe it was because older orange. She needs the freshest orange. And then that citric acid gets out.
[00:50:12] Speaker A: I don't know.
[00:50:12] Speaker C: I don't know.
I fail.
[00:50:15] Speaker B: It's a tough balance.
[00:50:17] Speaker A: And then. Yeah, Roscoe and Mo and clockface are kind of keeping. Keeping pace. And then she's a natural one ahead of the pack.
[00:50:27] Speaker C: Mo is a natural one. You're not looking here.
[00:50:30] Speaker A: Yeah, I said that.
[00:50:31] Speaker C: Oh, you said he was keeping pace with, like, Roscoe. No, he got a natural one.
[00:50:36] Speaker D: Well, he started saying that Mo is.
[00:50:38] Speaker A: Oh, I mean Sean. I meant Sean.
[00:50:41] Speaker B: Sorry.
[00:50:41] Speaker C: I'm just trying to keep. I'm just trying to keep it straight. I was just reading the numbers as you went through.
[00:50:45] Speaker A: All right. And, yeah, at this point, we got another set of rolls. But Shimi has won this race.
He is far ahead. There's about a third left here. So we got one more set of rolls to go. So I need one more con save from everybody.
[00:51:06] Speaker C: Nice.
[00:51:08] Speaker A: All right, so Rafina's up to a 17.
[00:51:14] Speaker C: Oh, pathwack got a 20.
[00:51:16] Speaker A: Pathway got a 20.
Roscoe got a six.
And then Sean got a five.
Mo got a 16.
And then clock face got a 13. All right.
[00:51:38] Speaker C: All right. I put them in order this time to make it easier, like, in order of goodness, of fastness.
[00:51:44] Speaker A: Oh, well, what I'm actually going to be doing now is I'm going to average them. So that's going to determine the final. So, Ross.
[00:51:52] Speaker C: Oh, you're averaging all of the. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. That's not helpful at all.
[00:51:57] Speaker A: So we got.
[00:51:59] Speaker C: So you wanted. I can just read you the numbers of who we can go first and everyone can remember the number, or we can write it down. I can also write it down here. Okay, so just Roscoe.
[00:52:07] Speaker A: We don't have to do the average because it's the same. So Roscoe's got a total of 29.
[00:52:11] Speaker C: Okay.
And then we've got nine, plus an eight.
[00:52:18] Speaker A: Eight.
[00:52:19] Speaker C: And a 1717.
[00:52:21] Speaker A: That's a. Wait, that can't be right. Plus eight, plus. Oh, no, it is 34.
[00:52:27] Speaker C: 34.
So, shimi, we got natural 20. Natural 20. Okay, whatever. I. Sean, we got eight.
We got 14, and we got five.
[00:52:39] Speaker A: So that's 27.
[00:52:42] Speaker C: Okay, we got mo is 13.
Natural 116.
[00:52:52] Speaker A: So that's 30, but it includes a natural one.
Okay, so he's gonna be.
[00:52:57] Speaker C: And then clock faces 1014 and 13.
[00:53:04] Speaker A: That's 37.
[00:53:06] Speaker C: Okay, who else is needed? You don't need sheami. You say she me.
[00:53:10] Speaker A: One kick.
[00:53:13] Speaker C: He got a. Let's see. Where's kick? Oh, one.
One and 20.
I think it was not natural, but.
[00:53:25] Speaker B: Yeah, right. I think that's right.
[00:53:29] Speaker A: So, yeah, Shimi easily won this race. And then we've got clock face this. He's like a machine out there. He's just.
[00:53:41] Speaker C: Wow, keeping a machine out there. Yeah, and everywhere.
[00:53:45] Speaker A: And in there. Everywhere seems to know is exactly the pace.
[00:53:51] Speaker C: He's really pounding.
[00:53:52] Speaker A: Yeah, just pounding that shack.
And then.
Oh, then Murphyna, 34. You. You were able to get an orange. I'm assuming that Valencia was. Was less.
[00:54:08] Speaker C: The next time she went around. He just, like, sheepishly held out a palm low to the ground, like. Like, kind of had to kneel to get it down to her. Like, sorry, miss you last time.
[00:54:19] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:54:21] Speaker C: That's okay.
[00:54:22] Speaker A: And then we've got Roscoe, Sean, Moe, and then kick.
So, what happened out there? Kick. We're in the locker room post race. You got a microphone in your. In your face. What. What happened out there? What. What do you got to tell your fans?
[00:54:44] Speaker E: They were really good fishing.
We're fishing, right?
[00:54:52] Speaker A: All right. And that was kick. Back to you, Chet.
All right, well, what a rousing display of athleticism that was. But the grand finale is yet to come. I mean, I don't know if anybody can take this win away from Shimi, but, yeah.
[00:55:11] Speaker C: Holy crap.
[00:55:11] Speaker A: We're gonna give it a shot here. We've got this obstacle course set up.
I need everybody to line up, take a. Take a moment to breathe. Do we need more orange slices?
[00:55:25] Speaker B: Yum, yum.
[00:55:28] Speaker A: All right, well, we'll run this race all at once. If you get in each other's way, I'm sorry to say that's just part of it.
We got to get this race over with because we got three more fun games coming up, and seems like she means probably going to get this prize, so let's just get this done. All right, on the count of four. One, two.
[00:55:52] Speaker B: Wait, which?
[00:55:53] Speaker A: The obstacle course.
[00:55:55] Speaker B: Oh, right.
[00:55:55] Speaker C: Of course.
[00:55:59] Speaker B: All right, everybody bumps into the first one.
[00:56:01] Speaker A: I need everybody to give me an acrobatics check.
[00:56:05] Speaker E: Oh, I guessed the wrong one.
[00:56:07] Speaker D: Alex guessed. Dex.
[00:56:14] Speaker A: It'S just gonna be a single one. Oh, we got a 19 from Roscoe.
[00:56:19] Speaker B: Athletics.
[00:56:20] Speaker A: Acrobatics.
[00:56:21] Speaker B: It is acrobatic.
[00:56:23] Speaker A: It is just. Valencia, want to just jump in for this last part?
[00:56:28] Speaker C: Well, what's there? What's there to interact with?
[00:56:31] Speaker A: There's a climbing wall, there's hurdles to jump over.
[00:56:35] Speaker C: The hard part is, like, everything I'm wearing.
[00:56:39] Speaker A: I just want to see Valencia do it.
[00:56:42] Speaker C: Well, you should have had a crab pinch my butt on the way there or something.
[00:56:46] Speaker A: Okay, crab pinches your butt. So we got a 19 from Roscoe, a 15 from kick, a nine from Rafina, and then we've got.
All right, so athletics.
So we got shimi here.
[00:57:01] Speaker D: Acrobatics.
[00:57:01] Speaker A: Acrobatics.
Oh, shimi coming in with an eight.
[00:57:08] Speaker C: Oh, no.
[00:57:10] Speaker A: And then we've got Sean with a 16.
Showing Sean.
And then mo, 18.
[00:57:29] Speaker C: There you go, mo.
[00:57:33] Speaker A: And then clock phase seven. Not his event.
All right, so we're attacking the climbing wall first.
All out of the gate. Looks like maybe Shimi has lost a little steam. He put all of his heart into those first two events. Doesn't quite make it there quickly enough.
Mo's the first one up.
Oh, wait, no. Roscoe is the first one. Excuse me, Roscoe.
So, Roscoe, hold on a second. So you all attack this obstacle course with as much fervor as you have left in you. Mo is very quick to climb the climbing wall.
He's been practicing on the sides of the ship here, up and down, swimming all over the place.
He just almost steps over the climbing wall. In a way, he's just flying over those hurdles, swings, over the pitae.
Sean is close on his heels. He looks like he's maybe not a runner, but he's got some agility, probably wrestling crocs or something like that, or pseudo dragons, something along those lines. Talking birds, right, exactly.
Is kick putting in a fifteen's worth of effort, or is he.
[00:59:05] Speaker E: Maybe ten?
[00:59:06] Speaker A: Okay, got it. So, sort of kick and ruffina and shimi and clockface are all kind of in the same sort of grouping.
Certain parts are easier or more difficult for others.
[00:59:20] Speaker B: We're in the same boat, you might say we're in the same boat, I might.
[00:59:25] Speaker A: Same cruise boat, I might. I might say that.
No, I didn't play it.
[00:59:35] Speaker B: I'm allowed to invoke it.
[00:59:38] Speaker A: So, yeah, certain parts of it are easier or harder for each of you, but you all kind of bring up the rear. But as we had said, roscoe with a 19.
So, Roscoe, you struggle a little bit with the climbing wall. You're maybe in the middle of the pack there, but you get to the top. I mean, you're fighting with, like, your coat and your hat. You're not dressed for this event, clearly, sorry to say.
But you. You pull yourself up over the top of this climbing wall. You peer over and you're. You're sort of seeing what's laying in front of you. You're. You're winded from this long race, and you're just trying to just focus in and see if you can get through it, get this montage over with so that you're buff and ready to fight the albatross.
So you see the hurdles.
Mo and Sean are sort of halfway through those. You see that rope you're going to swing across down at the very end, sort all towards the very front of the ship. And right there, on the very, very front of the ship, you see there's this little pole sort of at the front of the railing. And perched on top of the pole is none other than the cross albatross.
And you can see it. It's looking you right in the eye. It's got its head turned sideways so it can just stare right at you, clacking its bill, as I was about to say.
And a fire is lit under you like you cannot imagine. You leap from the top of this wall over the first set of hurdles.
You hit the ground rolling. You roll under the second set and are up on your feet. You clear the last set of hurdles.
Your hat flies off, and you don't even care. Your coat's streaming out behind you and the rope is there in front of you, and you just don't even take the rope. You just go around the pit and you are taking a beeline straight for that albatross. So you do cross the finish line first. You may receive a DQ since you don't take the rope, but you don't give a shit.
This is all just in preparation for the main event, the cage match that is about to happen.
[01:02:10] Speaker B: A bird.
[01:02:12] Speaker A: Your entry music starts to play.
And as those. Those notes play out, we're gonna find out what happens. Next time on pork fried dice.
[01:02:32] Speaker C: Yay.
[01:02:34] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. I can picture it.
[01:02:35] Speaker C: I love it.
[01:02:37] Speaker D: Oh, my God. Roscoe the pro wrestler.
[01:02:41] Speaker C: Yeah. Here he goes. His new career.
Goodbye, soikus.
[01:02:48] Speaker B: I love this picture of the pro wrestler with the Benny Hill music, like the wrestling in sped up.
[01:03:02] Speaker C: Hey, everyone, if you like what you hear, please consider leaving us a kind review wherever that sort of thing happens. Also, support us by sending us a tip on ko fi. You can find all of our social media [email protected]. thank you for listening, and we'll see you next time.
